Hope for a Weary Soul

Over the past few weeks I have been inundated with calls and meetings with people in crisis. Life is tough...there are days when we all wonder how we will persevere. In times of extreme stress, our brain releases cortisol in effort to help us regulate our stress response so that we can return to a state of homeostasis. In moderation, cortisol is a helpful hormone. The problem is when we live under constant duress, the body exerts excessive amounts of cortisol which can lead to high blood sugar, weight gain, gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, and suppresses the immune system. I wish this list was as bad as it gets, but sadly, stress leads many to consider suicide as an option for dealing with their pain. (Just minutes before posting this I received word from a loved one of a suicide in her circle of friends). 

There are times when we are unable to eliminate stressors in our lives, so what's a person to do?  The answer lies in our ability to find healthy coping mechanisms to eliminate stress. We need to combat stress physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

Most of us know that aerobic exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep all work to reduce the effects of stress. We can also combat stress symptoms by managing our mental health. Meditation calms a person physically and emotionally, leading to better mental health. In addition, research shows that practicing the spiritual disciplines helps to deter the harmful effects of stress. 

The next time you are overwhelmed with stress, take a time out. Get alone with the scriptures and meditate on God's Word. Some passages that have helped me in the past are:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."  Lamentations 3:22

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faithproduces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."   James 1:2-5

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

As well as Isaiah 43 and Hebrews 12

What are some passages that have ministered to your soul in dark times?

10 Things You Can Do to Counter Depression

1.  Exercise - Believe it or not, when you exercise, your brain releases pleasure-inducing endorphins which reduce perceptions of pain and produce a natural high (similar to a runner's high). When you are depressed the last thing you want to do is exercise, but if you can push through it, it is a natural way to counter those blues.

2.  Eat bananas - Depression can be due to a decrease in serotonin levels. Bananas are a great source of serotonin, and have the potential to lessen the effects of depression.

3.  Get adequate sunlight - Darkness triggers an increase in the production of melatonin in the body causing drowsiness. In contrast, sunlight is believed to increase serotonin levels increasing "happy feelings."

4.  Socialize - When we are depressed we tend to isolate ourselves, and this feeds the depression. As we withdraw from social situations, our self-worth deteriorates and the self-deprecation begins. We were created for relationships, and we need others to help us during times of depression.

5.  Get up and keep a routine - People who are depressed tend to sleep too little or too much. The tendency is to lie in bed all day. Again, this creates a vicious cycle. The more you lie in bed, the less energy you have, and the less motivated you are to get up. Fight through the temptation to lounge around in your PJ's. Get up and do the things you were do if you were not depressed. Keeping a routine helps to break the cycle.

6.  See a doctor - If your depression persists for weeks, you may want to see your primary care physician and make sure there is not a physical reason for your depression. Chronic pain, thyroid issues, hormonal issues, decreased serotonin or norepinephrine can all contribute to depression. You want to rule out any physical etiology for your depression.

7.  Talk to a therapist or pastor - There are times when life is just plain 'ole difficult. During these times we may need a trustworthy person in whom to confide. Consider talking with a minister or a counselor whom you trust.  They can help you to process your thoughts and feelings, give you tools to counter your depression, and offer added support so that you no longer feel alone. Learn more here about taking off your mask and being real.

8.  Replace negative thoughts with positive ones - Depression is usually coupled with negative thinking. In order to stop our stinkin' thinking, we have to identify our irrational thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and counter them with true statements. For example, "My family would be better off without me," could be replaced with "If I was not here, my parents and my siblings would be very sad and would miss me."  Another example is "I cannot do anything right." Replace this thought with "There are things I do well. I work well with children; I take care of my pets..."  You get the picture! Don't believe the lies that often come with depression. Click here for more on this.

9.  Start a list of things you are thankful for - This one is connected to #8. Instead of mulling over all that is wrong with me, I can focus on what is right. Making a list of things I am thankful for can help me to change my default setting to one of gratitude. Habakkuk, a man in the Old Testament, chose to rejoice even when things seemed bleak. Learn more of his story by clicking here.

10.  Do something fun!  People who are depressed often experience anhedonia. This means that they no longer enjoy the things they once did. Many refrain from such activities because they believe the lie that they couldn't possibly have fun, nor does anyone want to be around them. The mind is a powerful thing. Go with an open mind and you might be surprised by the fun you are capable of. If the depression persists, consider #6 and talk to a doctor.

Depression is treatable. You do not have to suffer indefinitely. Take control of your health and be proactive about reducing your depressive symptoms. Pray and ask God to help you to return to a place of joy and contentment. Don't give up! Joy comes in the morning.

May is Mental Health Month -- what will you do to improve your mental health?

Putting the groceries in the backseat, I climbed into the car and left the parking lot. As I inched toward the road I heard a soft hissing sound that quickly escalated into a loud pop followed by a louder hiss. Oh no! The soda I put in the back seat had just exploded!

May is Mental Health Month. If we want to be mentally healthy, we need to get regular mental health check-ups much like we get annual physicals. When we fail to do so, we tend to suppress our feelings and we later explode over the little things, much like the 2-liter coke did in my car today.

How do we get a mental health check up? There are several ways of doing this:
1.  Meet with a mentor and discuss your strengths and growth areas as an individual.
2.  See a therapist or other mental health professional to process hurts you may have experienced throughout the year.
3.  Talk to a pastor about ways to improve your spiritual health and thus improve your mental health.
4.  Read a book about an area in which you'd like to grow healthier emotionally.
5.  Laugh. This is by far my favorite one. Watch a funny movie. Go to a comedy club. Hang out with friends. Do something that brings you joy. Relax and LAUGH.

What are you willing to do this month to improve your mental health?

Start writing!

Did you know that there are therapeutic benefits to journaling? Not only does it help you to purge negative thoughts and feelings as you write them down, but it also helps you to gain perspective. In a recent study exploring resiliency factors in women who lost their husbands to suicide, five of the six women discussed how writing in a journal or on a blog helped them move forward in the grief process.

We talk about the importance of exercise for our bodies, but journaling may be similarly helpful for our mental health and spiritual health. This allows us to see how we've changed and grown, and also helps us to identify areas where we may be stuck.

It isn't so much about how much you write or how often -- the key is to JUST WRITE!

I encourage you if you are not doing so already, take time to journal. Write when you are mad. Write when you are excited! Share your heart on paper. Not only will you be glad you did, but who knows -- your words may be an encouragement to someone else in the future.

How has journaling been beneficial for you? Will you share your experience with journaling to encourage others?

This is your brain "In Love"

Far too often, I hear people talk about falling in love as if love is similar to tripping and falling into a pit. If you can fall into love then you can fall out of love. This "falling" most people talk about is based on feelings. When a couple first "falls" for each other, the brain releases dopamine which is a feel-good hormone. Your brain continues to produce this pleasure-inducing chemical each time you think about your new "love." As the relationship develops, the brain releases adrenalin, epinephrine and norepinephrine which fuel the infatuation and obsession.

The problem is that many people equate this pleasure sensation with love. The body can only sustain high doses of the euphoric brain chemicals for so long. With time, the release of pleasure-inducing chemicals decrease and many people then believe that they have "fallen out of love."  Then the cycle starts over...boy looks for girl to make him feel butterflies and excitement only to find that in time, the feelings fade.

Equating love with the way you feel is dangerous. If parents based loving their children on the times when they felt unadulterated bliss from their kids, there would be many loveless days in the family. First Corinthians 13 tells us love never fails.

I believe one of the reasons so many relationships fail today is because of the shallow view of love. First Corinthians gives a definition of love that requires sacrifice, commitment, and forgiveness. Love is a verb; it is a choice. We love because we choose to love, not because someone else makes us feel good or makes us happy. I hate the quote, "You complete me," in many Hollywood movies (as if we are somehow incomplete until we meet the one our soul loves -- hogwash). Instead, I love the lyrics to the more recent song by Casting Crowns "Maybe we were meant to be broken together."

There is no perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right out there. There are no perfect people (apart from Christ). Love keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

May we love with a biblical love!

Ten Years Ago...

Ten years ago today I experienced the worst day of my life. There was a knock at the door from a man wearing a cleric's collar. I knew before he ever opened his mouth the message he had come to deliver. My husband, the man I loved with all my heart, was gone.

At the time it was difficult to even breathe. So many thoughts raced through my mind...things I needed to do...questions without answers...fury and overwhelming sadness flooded the depths of my being. I felt completely and utterly undone.

Ten years later I sit at my desk amazed at how God not only put the broken pieces of my life back together, but also created a beautiful mosaic that I never would have imagined from all the hurt and pain. On a weekly basis, I am able to offer hope to others whose lives have been touched by suicide. This was not a task I ever wanted, but it's one I am glad to offer.

I want to take a minute and share with anyone reading this who might be contemplating suicide. Many say that suicide is a permanent solution for temporary pain. I want to add something to that. While it may feel like suicide is the only way to end the pain, the pain doesn't stop after the suicide. The pain is transferred to your loved ones for years to come.

While God has brought healing into my life, the scars from the past remain. I still have hurts and at times tears from the pain Michael brought into our lives when he decided to end his. Don't believe the lie that your loved ones will be better off without you. Leaving them only changes the content of their pain. Talk to someone about your hurts. You can call the Georgia Crisis and Access Line 24 hours a day 7 days a week at 1-800-715-4225. You are not alone. There is help available.

I have journeyed a path I never would have chosen, but along the way God has shown me beautiful things I'd never seen otherwise. I have been given a second chance at love (Jeff, you're the best!) and a precious daughter that I adore. I've experienced sacrificial love from the Body of Christ and I've experienced the peace that surpasses understanding.

As I reflect on the past ten years, my feelings are mixed. There are hurts. There are sorrows. There are joys unspeakable. One thing has remained constant -- the peace that surpasses understanding that only Christ can give. I pray that you experience that peace as well.

Favorite psychological movies --- Go!

I love to snuggle in a warm blanket and watch a good psychological movie that portrays mental illness in a real life context. One of my favorites is an old movie I show my Human Growth and Development classes called, The Bad Seed. Also among my favorites are A Beautiful Mind and Shutter Island.

I am looking to expand my library. What are some of your favorites?

Depression and Suicide Risk

Barbara was relieved when her son, John, told her he was going out to grab some pizza with the guys. John had been struggling with depression off and on for the past several years. His most recent episode had lasted about three months. Barbara had been worried about John. He had no motivation to do his school work and often called in sick to work. He had been spending more time in his room, and did not even want to talk on his phone with friends.

Six weeks ago, Barbara convinced John to see his family doctor about the depression. He was prescribed an antidepressant and encouraged to exercise daily. Yesterday, John surprised his mom by giving her flowers and thanking her for her support over the past several months. She was ecstatic when he told her he wanted to go out for the night with friends. Things were finally looking up.

Just as Barbara prepared for bed, there was a knock on the door. Opening it, she was confused – why was there a police officer at her door? 

“Oh no! No! No! No!”

Barbara’s son John had driven his car off a cliff killing himself.

Unfortunately, while the details may differ, the suicides do not. Individuals with depression are at greater risk for suicide attempts immediately following a depressive episode. When a person is depressed, he may ruminate on all the reasons and ways to die, but he has no energy to do anything. As the depression lifts, these self-deprecating thoughts often remain and now the person has the energy to put into action the plan he has been construing for some time.

Don’t think because the depression is starting to lift that the risk for suicide has passed. Continue to watch for warning signs and don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions --- Are you planning to hurt yourself? Have you thought about killing yourself? Have you thought about how you would do it? Do you have a plan?

If the answer is yes, seek help immediately. Call 911.  If you are suicidal, consider calling the crisis hotline number below.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Blessed by the words of a friend...

I was recently touched by a friend's raw response to Robin Williams suicide.  Next week is Suicide Prevention Week and the best thing we can do to prevent suicide is to share our story and invest our lives in others.  Well, Lindsey Brackett is doing just that.  I encourage you to read her post by clicking here.

Like Lindsey, too many Christians believe that if you truly love Jesus you will "be joyful always" and never feel depressed.  As much as I wish this were true, it is not.  The Bible is filled with examples of men and women who experienced the dark night of the soul.  Naomi even begged God to change her name to Mara (meaning bitterness) because of her hopelessness.

If you are in despair, muster up your courage and share your struggle with someone you love.  You don't have to struggle alone.

Depression, Suicide....How's a Christian to Respond?

Since the death of Robin Williams, "experts" on depression and suicide have come out of the woodwork.  I am concerned for those who struggle with depression, as many of these self-proclaimed "experts" tout their opinions as facts.  I don't pretend to be an expert, but I have learned some things from years of living with a husband who had bipolar and died by suicide as well as from my education in counseling.

People often mean well, but their well-intentions can often leave someone who is depressed feeling even more burdened.  I discussed this in a previous post (click here to read the post). People who are depressed don't need trite promises of a bright tomorrow.  They don't need to hear that their depression is due to a lack of faith --- if it didn't help when Job's friends tried it, why do we keep pretending to be God and acting like we have all the answers.

The truth is, there are times when some go through a dark night of the soul.  Many stay in this pit, for weeks or longer.  When they are in the pit, they need to see Light so that they have hope of escape.  So the question becomes, how can Christians share this Light without further burdening someone who is down?

There are times when there are no words.  When someone loses a loved one to suicide, there are no words that can erase the pain. The greatest gift you can offer during this time is your presence. Be with them in the pain.  Walk beside them.  Let them know that you are not a fair weather friend, but that you will stick by them.  Your presence may offer them the strength that they need to face another day.

(On a side note, it infuriates me that many people can be so insensitive to family members after suicidal loss.  We'd never go up to parent at a funeral home who just lost a son to cancer and say, "Why do you think he died?  Was it that he didn't get enough chemo?  Did the doctor not do enough to help -- or maybe he just didn't trust God to heal him?"  Trust me, family members are asking WHY and they don't need you to ask them.)

There is a lot of debate among Christians about whether depression should be medicated.  I have met countless people who tell me that without medication, they would be dead.  Antidepressants can save lives.  Are there cases of abuse?  Sure, but we could say the same thing about the overuse of antibiotics.  Do we deem all antibiotics evil and cease to use them since they are over-prescribed? I encourage anyone who is taking antidepressants long-term to consider seeing a psychiatrist; they know much more about psychopharmacology and are better able to monitor your medication use.

I hesitated to join the debate about medication because people are very passionate about their beliefs.  Regardless of your opinion, I challenge you to join me in praying for the family of Robin Williams.  I also encourage you to pray for others who have lost a loved one to suicide.  All the media hype may reopen old wounds, and they may need someone to talk to about their own experiences with suicide.  Be that someone.  Listen. Be present. Pray.

Guest Post: Suicide Prevention in the Bible

I am proud to share with you a guest post written by my husband, Jeff.  Last week, our high school was in lockdown due to a suicide threat.  Jeff was working at the school when it happened, and below are some of his reflections on the event.

Guest Blogger: Jeff Ford

In September of last year, Natalie posted a prayer challenge and this vital information on her blog:

Pray that God will help anyone who is currently considering suicide to find hope and peace... I (Natalie) also wanted to share with you a hotline for people who are contemplating suicide. Write this number down and carry it with you: GEORGIA CRISIS AND ACCESS LINE / WWW.MYGCAL.COM / 1-800-715-4225

I'm re-posting her challenge as well as a devotional thought regarding suicide prevention. I asked Natalie to allow me to be her guest "blogger" this month. In light of last week's White County High School crisis, and my close vicinity to the events, I hope I can encourage the readers of www.natalieflake.com to be more informed in ways to help prevent suicide. 

It was a normal day at the High School. We had just finished saying the pledge of allegiance when word of the "full-lock-down" came on the intercom. Appropriate measures were made to ensure the safety of the students in my classroom. It was a day unlike any other we had ever experienced. I would later hear of the heroism and preventative measures by faculty members at White County that saved the life of a high school student. A student had felt like her circumstance were so overwhelming that suicide was the answer. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. Suicide is never the answer. 

Our crisis at the High School ended in the best possible fashion. A life was saved. In Acts 16:27-28, we discover a story of suicide prevention. A Roman jail guard's circumstances seemed so dire, that he set out to make the most dreadful of decisions. The jailer believed his life circumstances were so unbearable that he should take his own life. 

Paul, aware of the threat, reached out to him and stopped him with words of hope: "Don't do that! We are here." The Roman jailer was on the verge of making the worst decision he could ever make. His decision to commit suicide was derailed because Paul spoke up. 

What the one in crisis thought were facts, "I am better off dead, my life is ruined, I have no other option, I should end it all..." These were simply misconceptions. The truth is: you are better off alive, your life is sacred, you have options, you should start a new life. The crisis became the turning point. The jailer's life and the life of his family were dynamically changed in the midst of the crisis. If not for Paul's words of wisdom, guidance, and clarification then the person in crisis would have gone through with his intentions and ended his life. A life was saved. A life was changed. When the crisis ended, life took on a new meaning. The jailer put his faith and trust in a new way of life. The jailer was able to live as he was meant to live.

Through crisis hope is embraced. This is the story from Scripture, and this can also be the story for you. Amen. 

One last reminder: 

Write this number down and carry it with you: GEORGIA CRISIS AND ACCESS LINE / WWW.MYGCAL.COM / 1-800-715-4225

Depressed, Lonely, and Cloudy Thinking

This week I have been teaching my students about the life of Elijah.  The story that comes to most of our minds is his showdown with the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18.  Elijah has a mountaintop experience after God demonstrates his power to all the idolaters in Israel.  Elijah is elated -- for awhile.

You see, Queen Jezebel worshiped Baal, and she was furious with Elijah for humiliating her and for killing all of Baal's prophets. She sent word to the king that she wanted Elijah dead.  When Elijah heard the news, he fled into the wilderness, and hid in a cave where he became overwhelmed with grief and sadness.  His depression was so great that he stopped eating and begged God to take his life.

Elijah felt alone. He thought he was the only one left who worshiped God. In 1 Kings 19:18, God tells Elijah that there are 7000 men who have not bowed down to Baal.  Depression often clouds our thinking.  Elijah wasn't really alone, but in his sorrows, he felt abandoned by God.  Elijah was so focused on his circumstances, that he failed to recognize God's presence.  

When we are lonely and depressed we tend to feel sorry for ourselves. We can’t see all the blessings in our lives. God had just used Elijah to prove His might and now Elijah is hiding in a cave feeling sorry for himself. When we are down, we need to focus on what we have to be thankful for. It also helps to look for ways to help others. Elijah was so caught up in himself that he failed to see the 7000 others worshiping God.

How do you think this story might have been different if Elijah had connected with the 7000?  We need other believers in our lives.  The Church is a body -- we need all our parts in order to be all that God called us to be. We need encouragement, accountability, fellowship – we need each other.  I could not have made it through my first husband’s death without the church. They were the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. We need church.  If you aren’t going to church, I challenge you to find one.  Make it a priority to find a church where you can attend.  

A side note:  If anyone tells you that Christians don't get depressed, remember Elijah. He was a great prophet of God, and yet he despaired to the point of longing for death to overtake him.  

1 in 4 people

Did you know  research suggests that 25% of the population will seek medical help for mental illness in their lifetime?  That is a quarter of the population.  Think about your closest friends; if this is true, 1 in 4 will experience mental illness at some point in life.

Why then, so we still suffer in silence?  Why are we afraid to ask others to pray for us because we are depressed or anxious?  The short answer:  stigma.  Sadly, people don't understand mental illness, and we tend to shy away from things we don't understand.

I can remember when just saying the words cancer or AIDS was taboo.  People would almost whisper the words and cancer was known as the Big C. With education, people have learned more about these illnesses, and much of the stigma has been erased.  Athletes even openly discuss their HIV status on television today.

We are still a long way in the battle to eradicate stigma associated with mental illness.  I challenge you to take time to learn about mental illness.  Don't be afraid of people with a mental illness; after all, this is 1/4 of the population.  Mental illness is a part of a person's life. It does not define his life.

If you know someone with a mental illness, find out how you can support and encourage them.  Many long for someone they can share with about their struggles.  Do your part to stop stigma!

If Perfect Love Casts Out Fear Then ...

 

Have you ever seen the movie, Tangled?  It’s a modern-telling of the fairytale, Rapunzel.  This movie is a favorite in my house, and recently it has helped to teach me an important lesson.  In the movie, the mother hides her beautiful daughter away in a tower in an effort to protect her from harm; in doing so, the mother has prevented her child from life.  The young girl has never experienced grassy fields, wind in her hair, or the bliss of picking your first flower.  Even more detrimental is that the girl has never known what it is like to have friends.  The mother’s fear prevented the daughter from experiencing any form of love. 

1 John 4:18 says,

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. “

I’d never really thought about it before, but if perfect love casts out fear, then the reverse is also true.  Fear casts out love.  In an attempt to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we wall up our hearts for fear of being disappointed, rejected, or abandoned.   While the walls may be effective to protect us from emotional hurts, they also prevent the potential for love. 

The counselor in me wonders what happened in young Rapunzel’s mother’s life to cause her to fear the outside world as she did.  I wonder if someone she loved rejected her, or perhaps someone she loved abandoned her, leaving her to fend for herself.

We all have past hurts that threaten to smother our current relationships.  I have experienced multiple losses in my lifetime, and sometimes I fear that the people I love will also go away; when this fear creeps in, I try to appear tough and self-sufficient -- sometimes to the point that I push others away.  While I know my fears are irrational, if I linger on them too long, they threaten to block out love.

So, what is the moral of all of this jargon?  Rapunzel found love once she decided to step out from behind the walls, and take a risk.  Yes, I know. Rapunzel met her prince, but some of us are hiding behind walls so thick that we block out any chance of friendship. 

Scripture tells us that God is love; this means the nearer we draw to the Father, the less power fear has over our lives.  While people will disappoint us, God loves us with an everlasting love, and he promises to never leave or forsake us.  In times when we find it difficult to trust others, we cling to our trust in God.  As we trust in him, he helps us to love others and begins to cast away our fears.

How Full is Your Cup?

Today I will be teaching law enforcement about suicide prevention and postvention. The irony is that eight years ago today I was sitting in my living room waiting to hear from the police as they searched for Michael. I'll never forget seeing the priest standing in my doorway. Just seeing his collar told me that what I'd feared the most had come true. Michael was gone.

I had to go the next morning to meet with an investigator. I couldn't understand why I had to meet with her. The police knew I had been at home all day. They had been in and out of my house during the search. Hearing details regarding his death was almost more than I could bear...

One question plagued me --- why? 

Every person I've ever met who lost someone to suicide asked the same question. In preparing my talk, I read about an analogy by Iris Bolton (who lost her son to suicide) that helps to put the "why" into perspective.  

We all have a cup, a place deep inside us, where stress and hardships are collected. A lost job, a friend's betrayal, divorce...all add drops to our cups. Some circumstances add multiple drops. Some add just one. It is the last drop that seemingly causes a cup to overflow, but it is really a compilation of all the drops. The last one just put the contents over the edge. We all have to learn ways to empty our cups in healthy ways. We can talk to a counselor, a pastor, or even a friend about our struggles. We can pour out our hearts to the Lord. We can eat healthy and exercise. When we take care of ourselves, physically, mentally, and spiritually, We have to empty our cup or disaster will strike (mental breakdowns, suicide, homicides, etc.).

I encourage you not to let your cup fill to the brim. Take time to intentionally empty it so that your cup won't flood.

I praise God for bringing me to a place where I can openly share my past hurts in an attempt to encourage others -- He does this by continually emptying my cup one drop at a time.

Suicide Postvention

In the past two weeks, I've received texts about one attempted and one completed suicide. My heart aches for the families of both of these individuals. I recently found out that Michael's death began a string of suicide attempts in our community. This absolutely breaks my heart. When we lose someone to suicide, we are often so overcome by our own grief that we fail to see how others are struggling. Research shows that people who have lost a loved one to suicide are at a greater risk of suicide themselves. The term postvention is any mental health intervention for the surviving friends and family of a suicide completer.

I want to encourage you to keep a close eye on your loved ones who are grieving. Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions. Asking someone if he has considered hurting himself will not give him the idea; this is a myth that prevents loved ones from asking this most important question.

January has more suicides than any other month. People are often left with mounting debt due to the holidays as well as disappointments and regrets during the Christmas season. Ask God to give you eyes to see the hurt around you. Be intentional about showing the people in your life how much you care. 

If someone you work with takes his life, there are postvention resources available to help your staff. Click here for more information.

Helping Your Bipolar Loved One

This is going to sound utterly selfish, but the number one thing you can do to help someone you care about who has bipolar disorder is to make sure that you are healthy yourself. Loving someone with bipolar often comes with extreme highs and lows, and their roller coaster of emotions often carry you along for the ride whether you want to go or not. You love them and want to do everything you can to help; sometimes to the point that you neglect yourself.

There was a time when Michael’s mood swings were so severe that nothing was stable in our lives. I felt like I was living in a minefield, and at any moment, life could explode. In a moment of desperation, I remember thinking that if something didn’t change, I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I knew our daughter needed at least one sane parent, so I decided to move out of our home until I could get a grip on my own emotional and mental health.

Leaving was one of the most difficult things at the time; Michael thought that I was leaving him permanently and had many of our friends and family calling to convince me to come home (they were unaware of his disorder). Being apart was difficult in many ways, but being in a stable environment gave me the space to gain some perspective. When I finally did return home, I was in a much better place emotionally to support him than I was when I left.

Was I selfish to leave? Yes and no. The decision to leave for a brief period was what was best for our family. The one thing I know is that when I took care of my own mental health, I was a much better wife and mother. I’m not saying that you need to take this to the extreme and that it is all about you and making yourself happy, but I am suggesting that you take care of yourself.

When Someone You Love is Manic

                                               
While depression is often the worst part of bipolar disorder for the sufferer, the mania is often the most damaging to his relationships. One twitter follower described the mania she experiences as feeling unhinged with overwhelming thoughts and ideas. The racing thoughts often lead to grandiose and unrealistic beliefs.

The National Institute of Mental Health describes mania as  

·         A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood

·         Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling "jumpy" or "wired."

·         Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts

·         Being easily distracted

·         Increasing goal-directed activities, such as taking on new projects

·         Being restless

·         Sleeping little

·         Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities

·         Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable,
high-risk behaviors, such as spending sprees, impulsive sex, and impulsive business investments.

Acquaintances might view the manic person as talkative, extremely happy, and fun to be around. The people closest to the person with mania however deal with the consequences of the person’s irritability and reckless choices.

I recently spoke to a mom whose son is currently having a manic episode. She is frustrated because her son won’t listen to her. Because mania leads to unrealistic beliefs and racing thoughts, you can’t rationalize with someone in a manic state because they are irrational. Using the broken record technique may be helpful. Speak in short sentences and say them repeatedly until your loved one comprehends what you are communicating.

Dealing with someone who is manic takes incredible patience and love. You may need to postpone any serious discussions until the person comes down from the high. When your loved one is in a healthy place, ask her how she wants you to respond to her when they are manic. Ask her what helps and what hurts.

How to Help Someone who is Depressed

People who are depressed often feel like they are drowning, and wonder if they'll ever be able to breathe again. Several years ago I asked a group of people who were struggling with depression what advice they would give to someone who has a depressed love one. This post is a combination of those responses.

Before I share some practical suggestions on how to show you care, I want to clarify a few things about depression. Depression can be one of three types:

1.       Circumstantial – Depression can be a result of difficult circumstances or even grief. When depression is circumstantial, counseling is often beneficial. Time is also a helpful healer in circumstantial depression (as circumstances change, the depression lifts). Sometimes, medication may be needed short-term to help a person get on top of the depression.

2.      Result of sin – Sometimes depression is a consequence of specific sin in a person’s life. When this is the case, confession is the key. A person needs to confess to God and potentially to others.

3.      Physiological – Depression can be due to physiological factors. This could be due to a medical condition, genetics, and/or a chemical imbalance. If depression is physiological, medication is almost always necessary.

People struggling with depression often feel alone, even if they have family and friends in their lives. It is important to show them that they are not alone, even in their darkest hour. Your presence is important; sometimes a hug and a listening ear is a great gift. Too often people try to give advice. Your loved ones don’t need you to tell them what to do. They need to know you care. When you speak, make sure that your words are encouraging and show your support. Your love and support shows them that you are willing to walk with them in their pain. It’s easy for people to say, “Just snap out of it,” but it is much more helpful if you will listen and show compassion. The depression may not lift right away, but they will remember you were there for them.

Some shared that volunteering helped them to get their eyes off of themselves and focus on others. When the depression is circumstantial, this can help.

Above all else, pray for your suffering friend or family member. The Bible tells us that God will never leave us or forsake us; God doesn’t promise to alleviate the pain of depression, but he does promise his presence in the midst of it. Ask God to give your loved one peace in the midst of the pain. Pray that they will draw closer to God during the dark night of the soul. Pray for deliverance from the depression. Let your friend know you are praying and when possible pray with them either in person or on the phone. Writing your prayers and sending them in a letter so that your depressed family member can revisit it in those dark hours and be reminded that she is not alone.

Help! Someone I Love Has Bipolar Disorder: Part I

When someone you love has bipolar disorder, it influences your life as well. I’ve had several people ask me to write about how loved ones can cope with their loved ones excessive mood swings. First let me say that there is no easy answer. Each individual and each situation is unique, but I will share some things I’ve learned along the way. This post is the first in a series that I will write on the subject.

It is important to remember that your loved one has bipolar disorder, but this does not define her. Every person is complex and uniquely gifted; don’t let the disease cloud your overall perception of your loved one’s identity. People with the disorder often feel stigmatized, and are paranoid that others will treat them differently if they know about the diagnosis. Your loved one needs to know that you care and that you are there to offer support as she seeks treatment.

Medications are almost always necessary in managing the mood swings associated with the disorder. Medication compliance is often one of the most difficult hurdles to recovery. It is important to understand that medications are meant to control the illness so that the person can be himself. Please do not make jokes about psychiatric medications as this only adds to the stigma.

In the coming posts, I will address ways to cope with your loved one’s depression, his mania, medication, codependency, and self-care. If there are other topics you would like for me to address, please let me know.