This is your brain "In Love"

Far too often, I hear people talk about falling in love as if love is similar to tripping and falling into a pit. If you can fall into love then you can fall out of love. This "falling" most people talk about is based on feelings. When a couple first "falls" for each other, the brain releases dopamine which is a feel-good hormone. Your brain continues to produce this pleasure-inducing chemical each time you think about your new "love." As the relationship develops, the brain releases adrenalin, epinephrine and norepinephrine which fuel the infatuation and obsession.

The problem is that many people equate this pleasure sensation with love. The body can only sustain high doses of the euphoric brain chemicals for so long. With time, the release of pleasure-inducing chemicals decrease and many people then believe that they have "fallen out of love."  Then the cycle starts over...boy looks for girl to make him feel butterflies and excitement only to find that in time, the feelings fade.

Equating love with the way you feel is dangerous. If parents based loving their children on the times when they felt unadulterated bliss from their kids, there would be many loveless days in the family. First Corinthians 13 tells us love never fails.

I believe one of the reasons so many relationships fail today is because of the shallow view of love. First Corinthians gives a definition of love that requires sacrifice, commitment, and forgiveness. Love is a verb; it is a choice. We love because we choose to love, not because someone else makes us feel good or makes us happy. I hate the quote, "You complete me," in many Hollywood movies (as if we are somehow incomplete until we meet the one our soul loves -- hogwash). Instead, I love the lyrics to the more recent song by Casting Crowns "Maybe we were meant to be broken together."

There is no perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right out there. There are no perfect people (apart from Christ). Love keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

May we love with a biblical love!

The Final Horseman

A sure-fire way to hurt your marriage is to engage in stonewalling. This is the final horseman that Gottman uses as a predictor for divorce.  Stonewalling is when we build a wall and refuse to let others inside. We often do this by making comments such as “I don’t want to talk about it; Enough,” or “End of story.”  When we cut others off and refuse to continue communicating on a topic, men tend to feel frustrated, but women often feel shafted and hurt. Women feel isolated and intimacy is killed. 

We also stonewall with our actions when we give our spouse the cold shoulder. Sometimes we do this as a means of self-protection without realizing the hurt it causes the relationship. We are afraid of what the other person will say to us so we stonewall to guard against painful comments or ridicule.  While we might avoid hearing hurtful words, we also avoid resolution. When conflict is unresolved, it tends to stew and snowball. 

When I think of stonewalling, I imagine a people that are being pursued by their enemy. They wall themselves into a fort for protection. For a while it seems to work, but when the enemy fails to retreat, the people begin to suffer within.  Supplies run low…food is scarce…sickness and death are rampant.  In order to survive, the people must get beyond the walls they created.

The same is true in marriage. When we stonewall, we may have momentary relief, but we slowly begin to feel isolated and inadequate. Our love tank begins to run dry and the relationship suffers.

Instead of stockpiling our arsons or stonewalling for protection, we need to remember that our spouse is NOT the enemy.  We have a very real enemy who seeks to kill, steal and destroy our marriages, and we need to daily put on the belt of truth and grab the sword of the Spirit and prepare for battle. 

It's Not My Fault...

A couple of months ago I began writing about the four horsemen that threaten to destroy marriages according to researcher, John Gottman.  Life has been so busy that my good intentions of doing this 4-part series in a month was delayed.  The third “horseman” that wants to kill your marriage is defensiveness. We are all guilty of this one.

"It's not my fault."

A wife comes home after a long day at work and sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry.  Her husband comes home early and comments on the laundry he sees piled on the couch. Immediately the excuses begin. “I’ve had a long day at work, and I can’t sit down for five minutes without you nagging me about the laundry.”  Not only does the wife get defensive, but she begins to criticize her husband. 

When we get defensive, fight or flight kicks in for the other person. The defensive husband either shuts down communication or he takes the bait and fights back with equally hurtful words…and thus, the battle begins.

While being defensive may seem like a natural safeguard against a perceived threat, it can cause long-term damage to your relationships. When you get defensive, you tend to blame your partner.  Gottman says that in effect you are saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”  Not only is this ineffective in solving problems, but it may create new relational ones.  It is so much better to take responsibility apologize if needed.

REWIND:

A wife comes home after a long day at work and sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry.  Her husband comes home early and comments on the laundry he sees piled on the couch. She answers, “I’ll get to it in a little while; I just need a few minutes to myself.” 

Who knows, he might just respond with “How can I help you?”

Protecting Your Marriage

Last month I began to blog about the 4 horsemen that seek to destroy marriages.  John Gottman identified the four horsemen and has been able to use his theory to predict divorce among couples he counsels.  The first of the horsemen was criticism and you can read more about it by clicking here.

The second horseman, and perhaps the most dangerous, is contempt.  Contempt is when we demonstrate disgust towards our spouse.  It may come in the form of sarcasm, name-calling, or eye rolling.  When couples are in conflict, one responds in one of these ways, the spouse often feels devalued and disrespected.  We do this when we mock our spouse or sneer at them.

We've all seen it before.

A wife says, "You are such an idiot. I can't believe you..."

A husband remarks, "You disgust me."

We tend to be contemptuous when we are angry or insecure.  When we feel backed into a corner we may bark out comments we wish we could take back.  When someone hurts us, we fight back with either words or actions as a means of self-preservation (or so we think). Some of us are gunny-sackers; this means that we hold on to negativity and keep a running list of things our spouse does wrong.  Whenever they do something we don't like, we don't address the issue at hand, but we drag out our list and throw it in their face.

This is the opposite of biblical love. First Corinthians 13 says, "Love keeps no record of wrong."  For many, we not only keep score, but we constantly remind our spouse that they are losing in our book.

Most of us don't realize the damage done by contempt.  Dr. Gottman's research suggests that  this is the #1 predictor for divorce.

The question at this point becomes what is more important -- winning the battle or saving the relationship?

The next time you are irritated by your spouse, take a few deep breaths before your limbic system kicks into overdrive (the limbic system is a part of the brain that controls emotional processes) and you say or do something you will later regret.

You can learn more by checking out Dr. Gottman's blog at www.gottmanblog.com

Criticizing Your Mate

“I should have listened to your father when he said you couldn’t cook.  You are terrible,” the husband exclaimed as he stormed toward the front door. 

“All you ever do is sit in your chair and watch TV. You are so lazy,” she said with exasperation.

I could go on and on with criticisms that I’ve heard both men and women make about their spouses.  What happened to that promise to love and to cherish til death do us part?  With our lips we exchange I love you’s, but in the same breath we curse our spouses.  Why do we do this?
John Gottman identified criticism as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that trample marriages.  We all know that whoever said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words they never hurt me,” was a liar.  Words hurt.  Once said, we can’t take them back. The damage is done.  Why then do we think it’s acceptable to slander the one person we should love the most?

Whenever our spouse criticizes us, we our defenses rise.  We lash back or we retreat – fight or flight.  When this pattern continues repeatedly over time, marriages begin to crumble.  Each partner is reticent to be vulnerable for fear that their partner will later use weaknesses as ammunition. In the Bible, James put it this way, “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”  Criticism starts with a word (the match) and grows until it ignites into fires that destroy the marital relationship.

Make a commitment today to guard your tongue.  When you fall into the trap of criticism, apologize immediately – if you don’t your spouse may ruminate on your words and as they fester, the damage multiplies.

Men Crave Respect

I have decided to participate in a 30 Day Fast from Sugar.  Today is only the first day, and I have realized just how much sugar is in my normal diet. It’s everywhere!  In preparation for this fast, I’ve been reading about cravings and how to deal with them.  While I crave pasta and bread, other friends who are fasting miss soft drinks and chocolate.  We each have to deal with our own unique cravings.

In a similar way, men and women crave love in different ways.  Psychologists report that while women long to feel loved, men desire respect.  Studies show a man’s highest felt needs are respect and honor. On the other hand, a woman’s greatest need is to be cherished, adored, and delighted in.  God knew this when he inspired Paul to write Ephesians 5 which commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church and wives to respect their husbands. 

Wives are commanded to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33) out of love and reverence for Christ.  What does this type of respect look like?  A wife should respect and cooperate with her husband.  This help and cooperation should be done wholeheartedly and without grumbling, just as it would be given to Christ himself.  This means avoiding a critical spirit.  As a matter of fact, John Gottman describes four horsemen that are actively striving to destroy your marriage.  They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  Each of these “horsemen” gradually turn spouses against each other. I will spend the next few posts examining each of these.

This is a timely reminder for me as well, because I’ve been told to expect irritability as I experience sugar withdrawals.  Pray that I will guard my tongue in the days ahead, and that I will treat my own husband with respect even when I’m not feeling my best.

Wives, Respect your Husbands...

Several years ago, a friend started a ministry to girls who were engaged to help prepare them for marriage.  The engaged girl is encouraged to select three to five married women they trust and respect to join her for an evening of fun, food, and marital advice.  Over the years, I’ve contemplated what I wish I had known before I got married and what I can say to young brides-to-be.  This is what I have decided.

We hear a lot about unconditional love.  The Bible commands husbands to love their wives as their own body and as Christ loves the church.  This love is not dependent on the person’s actions.  It is sacrificial and enduring.

However, when it comes to wives roles, there seems to be some confusion.  The Bible commands wives to respect their husbands.  Interestingly, research suggests that a man’s number one need from his wife is to be respected.  Somewhere along the way, we started believing the lie that respect has to be earned.  Says who?

The Bible does not say wives, respect your husbands when they deserve it.  It is an unconditional statement.  We are to respect our husbands, period.  This does not mean that we agree with every decision they make, nor that they always act with integrity.  It does mean that we respect them even when it is difficult.

Think about it.  We are commanded to respect authority.  We may not always agree with the president’s policies, but we respect him because of his office.  Respect is due him because of who he is, not for what he does.  In the same way, we are to respect our husbands.

So ladies, the next time you are disgusted with something your husband does, respect him anyway.  You don’t have to condone bad behavior, but you can still treat him with dignity and respect. 

What does it look like for wives to respect their husbands?  I’d love to hear your feedback for a future post, illustrating how this is practically accomplished.