Mission Accomplished!

The young girl enjoyed playing in her room; she was content to teach for hours. Her stuffed animals and baby dolls made the best students. As she passed out their worksheets for the day, she explained to them, "People can be mean; they can steal your toys and cheat off your paper, but no one can ever take your education away from you. Never ever!"

From an early age, I valued education. I remember telling "grownups" when I was in elementary school, "One day I'm going to get my PhD!"

I'm sure my parents thought I was a naive dreamer, but they never let on. They encouraged me every step of the way. When I decided to enroll in graduate school, my mom said, "God put this desire in your heart. Not many people dream of getting a doctorate. Go for it!"

Eight years later and I finally achieved my dream. It took a lot of hard work, social support from family and friends, and God's goodness but I am proud to say that on April 11, 2016 I passed my dissertation defense. It still seems surreal. I feel awkward each time I introduce myself as Dr. Ford.

You see, it's not so much the title, but its the journey. I have always enjoyed a good challenge, and this one stretched me professionally and personally. I have learned so much along the way, and one of the lessons I've learned is gratitude.  I'd like to take this time to express my appreciation to a few people who impacted my life throughout this journey. I hesitate to do this because I will surely leave someone out, so please know this is not an exhaustive list.

Jeff - Thanks for putting up with microwave dinners and an unkempt house; thanks for helping me to set healthy boundaries and teaching me to prioritize. I love you!

Jorjanne - Thanks for believing in me when I questioned myself; thanks for giving me grace when you wanted to chat and I was typing away. You were very patient with me.

To the brave women who shared their stories for my research - Not only did you help me to accomplish a dream but your words have the potential to encourage other survivors for years to come! I admire you.

Tony & Wendy Farmer, Randy &  Melody Hester, and Kalib &  Mari Wilkinson - Thanks for opening your home and your pantry to me on numerous occasions! You saved me thousands!!!

Mama and Hershell - Thanks for your constant encouragement and for all the free babysitting! Mama, thanks for sitting through the defense and praying for me.

Daddy - You may be the only person who wanted this more than I did.

Bobbie - Thanks for the road trips to Lynchburg and the fun adventures along the way. You make learning fun!

To my Liberty friends -- I thank God for you and look forward to seeing what the future holds for each of you.

Ten Years Ago...

Ten years ago today I experienced the worst day of my life. There was a knock at the door from a man wearing a cleric's collar. I knew before he ever opened his mouth the message he had come to deliver. My husband, the man I loved with all my heart, was gone.

At the time it was difficult to even breathe. So many thoughts raced through my mind...things I needed to do...questions without answers...fury and overwhelming sadness flooded the depths of my being. I felt completely and utterly undone.

Ten years later I sit at my desk amazed at how God not only put the broken pieces of my life back together, but also created a beautiful mosaic that I never would have imagined from all the hurt and pain. On a weekly basis, I am able to offer hope to others whose lives have been touched by suicide. This was not a task I ever wanted, but it's one I am glad to offer.

I want to take a minute and share with anyone reading this who might be contemplating suicide. Many say that suicide is a permanent solution for temporary pain. I want to add something to that. While it may feel like suicide is the only way to end the pain, the pain doesn't stop after the suicide. The pain is transferred to your loved ones for years to come.

While God has brought healing into my life, the scars from the past remain. I still have hurts and at times tears from the pain Michael brought into our lives when he decided to end his. Don't believe the lie that your loved ones will be better off without you. Leaving them only changes the content of their pain. Talk to someone about your hurts. You can call the Georgia Crisis and Access Line 24 hours a day 7 days a week at 1-800-715-4225. You are not alone. There is help available.

I have journeyed a path I never would have chosen, but along the way God has shown me beautiful things I'd never seen otherwise. I have been given a second chance at love (Jeff, you're the best!) and a precious daughter that I adore. I've experienced sacrificial love from the Body of Christ and I've experienced the peace that surpasses understanding.

As I reflect on the past ten years, my feelings are mixed. There are hurts. There are sorrows. There are joys unspeakable. One thing has remained constant -- the peace that surpasses understanding that only Christ can give. I pray that you experience that peace as well.

Ten Lessons I Have Learned in the Past Nine Years

(IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

1.  I have learned to love God for who He is and not for what he gives me.

2.  I have learned that when I am weak, He is strong.

3.  I have learned that it is not only OK to need others, but God planned it this way. In Genesis, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." He created us with a need for each other.

4.  I have learned that joy is not dependent on circumstances.

5.  I have learned that God truly does comfort us so that we can extend that comfort to others.

6.  I have seen joy come in the morning.

7.  I have experienced the peace that surpasses understanding and it is a beautifully baffling gift!

8.  I have learned that masking your pain does nothing for the healing process. Healing begins once   our hurts are brought into the light.

9.  I have learned that feelings are neither right or wrong -- they just are.  Knowing this means that there is no guilt or shame when it comes to our feelings.

10. There are no shortcuts in the grieving process. The only way to experience healing is to walk the   path through the pain. Praise God we do not have to walk it alone. There were times when Jesus carried me.

God's Blessings Often Surpass Our Dreams

Five years ago, I began praying fervantly for my future husband. As I prayed, I wrote down two lists of character traits and qualities that I wanted in a husband. On one list, I wrote my "must have" list; these were the things that were non-negotiable for me. If a man didn't meet this list, I wouldn't even consider a first date. The second list was my "added bonus" list. These were things that weren't deal breakers, but were my way of saying, "God, if you really wanted to bless me I'd love..." 

You need to know that my lists were very specific. For example, on my added bonus list, I asked God for a man that had a seminary degree and that could play guitar and sing. (Sorry, but I'm not going to give you the whole list here). I prayed for five years for this man, and I am so superdog excited to share with you that God has answered my prayer. On December 21 (the day the world was "supposed" to end) the love of my life asked me to be his wife. Wouldn't you know it, but both my lists describe Jeff to a T. God not only answered my prayers, but he lavished me with so much more when he brought Jeff into my life.

We haven't set a date yet, and we are still praying through the logistics and I ask you to pray with us. My heart overflows with joy -- God not only turned my tears to joy, but to joy unspeakable!

Survivors of Suicide

Almost every month, I am faced with the reality of suicide as I receive letters and phone calls from people all across the nation who have lost someone they love. Each time my heart aches with the person (many of whom I’ve never met), because I know the path before them is one of gut-wrenching pain. I also know that God is able to bring healing, but only as we face the pain. There’s no shortcut on the road to healing.

Last year, I began working with an organization called SOS (Survivors of Suicide). There are SOS Support Groups all over the nation. These groups are designed for adults who have lost someone to suicide to meet with other survivors in an attempt to face their grief and find healing in a personal way. As survivors meet with each other, a mutual healing often takes place. Those who are newly bereaved often find comfort and hope from those who are further along in the grief process.

Losing someone to suicide is different than other types of loss. The grief is complicated. Not only do you face the normal stages of grief, but you may also experience guilt or shame. I remember feeling guilty and wondering what I could have done differently to save Michael. I also remember the shame. There are times I still feel the shame. Each time someone asks how my husband died, I can feel the shame rising within me, and I have to remind myself to hold my head high. Michael’s death did not define who he was. He was an amazing man, and I need not feel ashamed.

If you or someone you care about has lost someone to suicide, encourage them to visit a SOS Support Group. I encourage people to try it at least three times. If after three times it isn’t helpful, then feel free to stop coming. Sometimes it takes a while to feel safe in the group. To find out where a group is near you, go to http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com. 

My Story

I must say that my life has been quite the journey. It started out pretty simple: small town girl, loved school, and loved life! As a child, God grabbed hold of my life and called me to salvation and I’ve never been the same. In college, my life was radically changed as I began to study God’s Word. I came to realize that my life had meaning and purpose.

While in college I met an amazing man and we later married. We have one beautiful daughter and she is the apple of my eye! Together, we served as missionaries and we were living life on the mountaintop! Then gradually, over time, my simple little world became very complex. Michael, my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Our lives became a continuous roller coaster due to his rampant mood swings. After battling this illness many years, it eventually caused Michael to take his life. You can learn more about our struggle by clicking here .

I’m happy to say that this is not the end of the story. Even in my suffering, God had a plan. I began praying asking God to use Michael’s death even more than He used His life. God has and is continuing to do this. I am a different person today than I was four years ago. God has turned my weeping into laughing, and my mourning into dancing! I am learning what it means to walk by faith and I have a passion to minister to those who are hurting. I have a Master’s degree in Religion and I am currently pursuing a PhD in Professional Counseling as a result of life’s journey. God has increased my joy and given me tremendous hope for the future. I pray that through this blog, God will use His story in my life to give others this same hope!