5 Ways to Deal with Family Conflict during the Holidays

The holidays bring families together; this can be a joyous time of celebration OR it can be a time of intense conflict and stress. Over the years, I've experienced both the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child, and the horror of unfiltered, angry words instigating heart-wrenching pain.

If Christmas brings joy and peace in your home, give glory to God and thank Him for this gift! If the holiday season brings out the worst in you, or in those around you, here are some tips to help you cope during the holiday season.

1.  The Bible calls us to pray for those who persecute us. Pray for the "black sheep" in the family. Pray for those who have hurt you in the past. Ask God to help you to forgive them. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

2.  Take time outs. Be sure to schedule breaks where you can get away by yourself and refuel. Do this before things escalate out of control.

3.  Pause before you speak and think about the potential consequences of your words. The Bible likens the tongue to a match that starts great fires...guard your tongue.

4.  Read the Christmas story in Luke 2. Jesus humbled himself and left his throne in heaven to live in a world that would hate him, humiliate him, and ultimately kill him...and He knew this before He came. Why did he come then? Love. He loves the unloveable. He loves us in spite of ourselves. We can follow his example and extend love and grace to those who are difficult to lvoe.

5.  Practice gratitude. When you are spending extensive time with your family, look for reasons to be thankful. Many are alone during the holidays; if you are with family, be thankful you are not alone. Many are grieving the loss of loved ones; be thankful for the people in your life today. Many are hungry and in need of shelter. Be intentional about practicing thankfulness.

When we do these things, our circumstances may not change, but our attitudes may. It is amazing how a change in attitude can become contagious. 

Learning to Listen

Panic. Dread. Unprecedented Fear. These emotions describe the turmoil in our car just moments before Jorjanne's first driving lesson.After a quick prayer, I gently instructed her on keeping it between the lines, knowing when to brake and when to speed up. As I did these feelings slowly began to dissipate. Peace and calm gradually filled the space once filled with anxiety and worry.

As I've reflected on our time together in the car I realized that in order for Jorjanne to focus on driving we had to tune out the distractions (turn off cell phones and radio). She listened intently to my voice and worked diligently to obey the commands given to her.

God wants us to do the same in daily lives. Too often distractions drown out his still, small voice until we are consumed with doing what the world deems important, and our thoughts become consumed with worry.

Henry Nouwen, a Roman Catholic priest and psychologist, wrote "Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life."

Let me say that again. "Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life."

If this is true, how many of us are failing to live a spiritual life? Why is it that so many of us avoid getting alone and being still before the Lord? I believe the answer lies in our own inability to stop our thoughts from wandering. 

I don't know about you, but when I get quiet my mind starts to race. I think about my to-do list and have to fight the urge to not "do something." If I am quiet long enough anxieties, fears, hurtful memories, anger, and pain threaten to consume me. Uncomfortable with these feelings, I want to stop this "inner chat" and resume my life of busyness. "We are surrounded by so much outer noise that it is hard to truly hear our God when he is speaking to us."

This is the opposite of what God calls us to do. We are to be still before the Lord. It is only when we allow these thoughts to permeate us, that God is able to counter our hurts and fears with the peace that surpasses understanding. Slowly the Holy Spirit does a healing work in the deep recesses of our heart and soul.

One of my professors in seminary required that we spend 3 hours alone with the Lord. Honestly, I dreaded this assignment and thought it was a waste of time. So out of obligation, I gathered my Bible, a hymnal, a journal and my guitar and headed for the state park. In the beginning there was a lot of awkwardness. My mind wandered, and I would fight to bring it back to the Word. As I disciplined myself to be still, I experienced one of the sweetest, most intimate times with the Lord that I've ever had. I left that park different than I arrived. I left with contentment, peace and joy even though my life circumstances remained the same.

Nouwen stated it this way. "Our hope is not based on something that will happen after our sufferings are over, but on the real presence of God's healing Spirit in the midst of these sufferings."

Spending 3 hours alone with God daily is not realistic for most of us. The point of this blog is to encourage you to find a starting point for solitude. Consider scheduling time in your calendar for solitude and don't let anything change that appointment. Get up early on Sundays and spend time preparing your heart for worship -- maybe even go to the Church and find a quiet place to pray and listen.

Solitude is not easy. It is awkward at first, but it has the potential to radically sanctify us and make us more like Christ. If Jesus was always intently listening to the Father, how much more do we need to do so?

Hope for a Weary Soul

Over the past few weeks I have been inundated with calls and meetings with people in crisis. Life is tough...there are days when we all wonder how we will persevere. In times of extreme stress, our brain releases cortisol in effort to help us regulate our stress response so that we can return to a state of homeostasis. In moderation, cortisol is a helpful hormone. The problem is when we live under constant duress, the body exerts excessive amounts of cortisol which can lead to high blood sugar, weight gain, gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, and suppresses the immune system. I wish this list was as bad as it gets, but sadly, stress leads many to consider suicide as an option for dealing with their pain. (Just minutes before posting this I received word from a loved one of a suicide in her circle of friends). 

There are times when we are unable to eliminate stressors in our lives, so what's a person to do?  The answer lies in our ability to find healthy coping mechanisms to eliminate stress. We need to combat stress physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

Most of us know that aerobic exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep all work to reduce the effects of stress. We can also combat stress symptoms by managing our mental health. Meditation calms a person physically and emotionally, leading to better mental health. In addition, research shows that practicing the spiritual disciplines helps to deter the harmful effects of stress. 

The next time you are overwhelmed with stress, take a time out. Get alone with the scriptures and meditate on God's Word. Some passages that have helped me in the past are:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."  Lamentations 3:22

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faithproduces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."   James 1:2-5

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

As well as Isaiah 43 and Hebrews 12

What are some passages that have ministered to your soul in dark times?

Reducing Back to School Anxiety

The first day of school can be stressful for everyone -- students, parents, teachers, and administrators. However, the anxiety students experience is unique. In an attempt to "fit in" they worry about who will and won't be in their classes, who they will sit with at lunch, and what to wear (after all they want to look good without drawing too much attention to themselves). How can parents help reduce this anxiety?

For starters, it is important to tell your child repeatedly how much you love her, and affirm her in the days leading up to the big day. Pick out clothes and shoes the night before and have the backpack packed and sitting by the door so you aren't rushing the first morning. Try to remain calm and supportive on the way to school the first day. Use humor to minimize anxiety. Consider letting your child choose what to eat for breakfast that morning or what songs to listen to on the way to school. Make the day special by showing your child how special he is to you!

Don't forget to talk with your child. Ask them what they are feeling? Normalize their nervousness. Give them tools to deal with their anxiety -- deep breathing, prayer, art, and music can all help regulate anxious feelings.

Lastly -- relax and enjoy the process. Before you know it, your child will graduate and you will miss these special days.

What do you do to help with the first day of school anxiety? Feel free to comment below and share with others...

1 in 4 people

Did you know  research suggests that 25% of the population will seek medical help for mental illness in their lifetime?  That is a quarter of the population.  Think about your closest friends; if this is true, 1 in 4 will experience mental illness at some point in life.

Why then, so we still suffer in silence?  Why are we afraid to ask others to pray for us because we are depressed or anxious?  The short answer:  stigma.  Sadly, people don't understand mental illness, and we tend to shy away from things we don't understand.

I can remember when just saying the words cancer or AIDS was taboo.  People would almost whisper the words and cancer was known as the Big C. With education, people have learned more about these illnesses, and much of the stigma has been erased.  Athletes even openly discuss their HIV status on television today.

We are still a long way in the battle to eradicate stigma associated with mental illness.  I challenge you to take time to learn about mental illness.  Don't be afraid of people with a mental illness; after all, this is 1/4 of the population.  Mental illness is a part of a person's life. It does not define his life.

If you know someone with a mental illness, find out how you can support and encourage them.  Many long for someone they can share with about their struggles.  Do your part to stop stigma!

Anxiety Medication: To Take or Not to Take?

I've had so many hurting people come to me and tell me that they don't know what to do. They have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and encouraged to take medication, but their Christian friends and family discourage it, saying, "The Bible says to be anxious about nothing. You don't need medicine; you just need to trust God." What do you say to that?

I asked my sweet cousin, Sarah Kauble, who is a psychiatry intern to share with us on the topic. Here are her comments:

You heart is beating fast, its hard to catch your breath, you're sweaty and you feel like every thought is racing through you head. Many of us at one point or another have experienced this...Anxiety. Maybe you're like me and you lie awake at night thinking about what happened that day or what you need to do the next day. While all of us have experienced this at one point or another, for some this is daily life. For the Christian it can pose a dilemma.

As Christians how do we decided we need to seek medical treatment for our anxiety?  I would like to first make a proposition for you to consider. In Arthur Holmes book, The Idea of a Christian College he asserts that because God is truth, "all truth must be God's truth". Current research using MRI to study the brain have shown that certain areas of the brain are affected in a person who has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. These areas of the brain are responsible for the flight or fight reaction we experience when we are startled by something. These areas of the brain also release certain chemicals that increase our heart rate, cause us to sweat, and make us breath quicker, leading to  the physical symptoms of anxiety that we experience. At this point research shows that those with an anxiety disorder have chemical imbalances in their brain much like a patient with bipolar or schizophrenia. If we accept this research as truth then we must also accept that it is God's truth.

Symptoms of anxiety are sometimes due to a medical problem such as a heart condition, gland problems, or tumors. It is important when experiencing anxiety symptoms on a regular basis to the point that you are facing impairment in your everyday life, that you seek medical counsel so you can be evaluated for life threatening conditions. But what do you do when a physical cause for your symptoms has been ruled out as a cause for your anxiety? According to diagnostic criteria an anxiety disorder is diagnosed when anxiety causes impairment in the person's life and interferes with daily activities. Medication can be given to control the symptoms of anxiety, but research shows that medication in conjunction with therapy is the best treatment for anxiety disorders. Medication helps control the symptoms but does not get to the root cause of anxiety.

A counselor can help you discover what causes your anxiety and learn how to better manage it. Medication may not be needed for a lifetime with anxiety, it may just be needed short term to help the patient learn coping skills and get through a particularly anxiety ridden time in their life. Seeking the help of a Christian counselor can help you manage your anxiety in a Godly way and may even suggest when you might need to see a health care provider.  Philippians 4:7 says to cast your cares on God because he cares for you. We should pray when we are anxious and we should let God know how we are feeling. As a result of our sinful nature, disease entered the world. While we have to face the consequence of disease we do not have to live in bondage to it. The Bible says that Jesus came to give us an abundant life and that He came to heal us. I believe that because of God's great love for us He provides ways for us to overcome our illness.  We can rejoice in the fact that God has already won the victory over sin, hardships, illness and yes even anxiety.  He wants us to be whole, complete, and lacking in nothing.  He has endowed doctors and scientists with the knowledge to develop medications and to study disease processes to help us with our illness.

Kaplan and Saddock's Handbook of Clinical Psychiatry 5th Ed, Benjamin Saddock M.D. and Virgina Saddock M.D.;  Chapter 15: Anxiety Disorders, Wolters & Kluwer 2010.

The Idea of a Christian College, Arthur Holmes; Wm B Eerdmans Publishing Co. 1987

Philippians 4:7

John 10:10
James 1:4

Pastors Struggle with Depression, Anxiety, and Alcohol Use at Alarming Rates

It’s a long running joke that pastors don’t really work, but two days a week. Being married to a minister, I must say that nothing could be farther from the truth. Most pastors are on call 24/7 and are asked to help in a vast array of circumstances – from holding someone’s hand while they die to rescuing cats from clandestine places.

Sadly, many ministers have few friends and often carry their personal burdens in isolation. Pastors and their wives often fear that if their congregations knew of their struggles, then their jobs would be in jeopardy, so many suffer in silence. 

I recently read some disturbing facts from www.PastorBurnout.com and the New York Times (August 1, 2010).  Did you know that members of the clergy now suffer from obesity, hypertension and depression at rates higher than most Americans. In the last decade, their use of antidepressants has risen, while their life expectancy has fallen, and that many would change jobs if they could?

• 13% of active pastors are divorced.
• 23% have been fired or pressured to resign at least once in their careers.
• 25% don’t know where to turn when they have a family or personal conflict or issue.
• 33% felt burned out within their first five years of ministry.
• 45% of pastors’ wives say the greatest danger to them and their family is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual burnout.
• 45% of pastors say that they’ve experienced depression or burnout to the extent that they needed to take a leave of absence from ministry.
• 52% of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral
• 56% of pastors’ wives say that they have no close friends.
• 70% of pastors don’t have any close friends.
• 80% of pastors say they have insufficient time with their spouse.
• 80% believe that pastoral ministry affects their families negatively.
• 90% work more than 50 hours a week.
• 94% feel under pressure to have a perfect family.
• 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict, or moral failure.

If those stats aren’t sad enough, doctors, lawyers and clergy have the most problems with drug abuse, alcoholism and suicide.

So why am I telling you all of this?  Because we are in a position to pray for and to support our pastors and their families. If you are guilty of slandering or gossiping about the pastor or his family – stop! They are imperfect people making imperfect progress, just like you and me. Instead of casting stones, we need to extend to them the same grace we want them to offer us. Clergy are on the frontlines of a battlefield and we need to pray for them.

My challenge for you this week is to let your pastor and his wife know how much they mean to you and find a tangible way of showing them that you appreciate them.