Hope for a Weary Soul

Over the past few weeks I have been inundated with calls and meetings with people in crisis. Life is tough...there are days when we all wonder how we will persevere. In times of extreme stress, our brain releases cortisol in effort to help us regulate our stress response so that we can return to a state of homeostasis. In moderation, cortisol is a helpful hormone. The problem is when we live under constant duress, the body exerts excessive amounts of cortisol which can lead to high blood sugar, weight gain, gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, and suppresses the immune system. I wish this list was as bad as it gets, but sadly, stress leads many to consider suicide as an option for dealing with their pain. (Just minutes before posting this I received word from a loved one of a suicide in her circle of friends). 

There are times when we are unable to eliminate stressors in our lives, so what's a person to do?  The answer lies in our ability to find healthy coping mechanisms to eliminate stress. We need to combat stress physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

Most of us know that aerobic exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep all work to reduce the effects of stress. We can also combat stress symptoms by managing our mental health. Meditation calms a person physically and emotionally, leading to better mental health. In addition, research shows that practicing the spiritual disciplines helps to deter the harmful effects of stress. 

The next time you are overwhelmed with stress, take a time out. Get alone with the scriptures and meditate on God's Word. Some passages that have helped me in the past are:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."  Lamentations 3:22

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faithproduces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."   James 1:2-5

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

As well as Isaiah 43 and Hebrews 12

What are some passages that have ministered to your soul in dark times?

Seized with Remorse

When asked to discuss suicide in the Bible, most people point out Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus. Recently I began to meditate on Matthew 27 and tried to imagine what was going through Judas’ mind when he betrayed Jesus. Did he know the chief priests wanted to kill Jesus? Did he think they were going to give him a position in the church or community that would usher in the new kingdom? What exactly was he hoping for?

Whatever Judas thought, we know that he was deeply grieved by the actual events that followed his betrayal.

We, like Judas, rationalize our sin. We try to justify why it is ok to betray the ones we love (through gossip and deception) by convincing ourselves that it is really in their best interest. Rarely does the outcome bring our intended results.

When Judas heard that Jesus had been condemned, he was “seized with remorse.”  In other words, Judas was consumed with guilt. He tried to soothe his guilty conscience by giving back the silver, but the elders basically said, “Sorry man. The deed is done.”  In anguish and shame, Judas cried out, “I have sinned, for I have betrayed innocent blood.”

I wonder if the other disciples knew what Judas had done. As far as we know, he didn’t confess his sin to the other disciples. If he had, would they have forgiven him or would they have shunned him? Regardless, Judas felt more alone than ever before. His guilt was unbearable…he could not carry the burden of his sin.  Judas only saw one way out of the insufferable pain – death. “Then he went away and hanged himself.”

September is Suicide Prevention Month. Millions of people die by suicide each year. I have spoken with numerous women who lost their husband’s to suicide. Many of these men lived with guilt and regret (from affairs, poor financial decisions, deceit, hypocrisy, drug and alcohol abuse, and more). Sadly, these men believed that their sins were unforgiveable and they were consumed with guilt and shame, and lost all hope.

I want to clarify the difference between guilt and conviction. Conviction leads to repentance and change. Guilt continues to berate us and remind us of how terrible we are. The former brings restoration, while the latter breeds self-deprecation and shame.

Judas was seized with remorse; he was filled with regret. I’ve yet to meet anyone who survived a suicide attempt that didn’t live with some form of regret. Many letters left behind from those who died by suicide also express regret…there are times when the person doesn’t really want to die, but only want to live without the pain – whether physical or emotional.

I don’t think Judas wanted to die; when he left the temple, he threw the silver coins back into the temple. This was an act of desperation; he could no longer live with the knowledge of his betrayal. Death seemed his only out.

I’ve heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. While this may be true, suicide merely shifts the pain of the one who dies to the ones left behind. When my first husband died, he transferred his pain to our family and friends as we sought to make sense of his death.

Georgia has the highest attempted suicide rate in the nation, while Delaware has the lowest (SAMSHA, 2009). What can we do to help individuals who are contemplating suicide?

First and foremost, we can listen. Research revealed that in 80% - 90% of all suicides, the person has told someone of their intent prior to taking their lives. These are often cries for help. Don’t take a threat lightly. For more information on how you can help someone, click here.

I want to leave you with the words of the Psalmist:

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, for the help of his presence.”  Psalm 42:5

No matter what you are going through, there is hope! Cling to that hope, and when you feel like you’ve lost hope, reach out to someone you love…sometimes hope may seem hidden, but it is always there. Better yet – God is always there; He is on the throne. He sees your pain. He cares. You can trust him.

The Dissertation Journey...

For the next several months, I will be immersing myself in research regarding resiliency factors in widows bereaved by suicide. I will be interviewing women who lost their husbands to suicide, hearing their stories and searching for meanings and trends to help others in the future who face such devastating loss.

I consider it a privilege to listen to the stories of these strong, resilient women who have endured fierce hardships both before and after the suicidal loss of their husbands. I hurt with these ladies; at times, I cry with them, and yet I rejoice at where they are today in spite of the past.

I ask you to join my in praying for these ladies as they share their stories in an effort to inspire and help other women bereaved by suicide. I also ask for you to pray for me as I walk alongside some of my "co-researchers" darkest  memories. Pray for wisdom. Pray for insight. Pray for diligence and perseverance. Pray for unspeakable joy in the midst of pain.

The work is grueling, but I hope and pray that the end result will encourage others, offer hope, and potentially save lives.

Ten Years Ago...

Ten years ago today I experienced the worst day of my life. There was a knock at the door from a man wearing a cleric's collar. I knew before he ever opened his mouth the message he had come to deliver. My husband, the man I loved with all my heart, was gone.

At the time it was difficult to even breathe. So many thoughts raced through my mind...things I needed to do...questions without answers...fury and overwhelming sadness flooded the depths of my being. I felt completely and utterly undone.

Ten years later I sit at my desk amazed at how God not only put the broken pieces of my life back together, but also created a beautiful mosaic that I never would have imagined from all the hurt and pain. On a weekly basis, I am able to offer hope to others whose lives have been touched by suicide. This was not a task I ever wanted, but it's one I am glad to offer.

I want to take a minute and share with anyone reading this who might be contemplating suicide. Many say that suicide is a permanent solution for temporary pain. I want to add something to that. While it may feel like suicide is the only way to end the pain, the pain doesn't stop after the suicide. The pain is transferred to your loved ones for years to come.

While God has brought healing into my life, the scars from the past remain. I still have hurts and at times tears from the pain Michael brought into our lives when he decided to end his. Don't believe the lie that your loved ones will be better off without you. Leaving them only changes the content of their pain. Talk to someone about your hurts. You can call the Georgia Crisis and Access Line 24 hours a day 7 days a week at 1-800-715-4225. You are not alone. There is help available.

I have journeyed a path I never would have chosen, but along the way God has shown me beautiful things I'd never seen otherwise. I have been given a second chance at love (Jeff, you're the best!) and a precious daughter that I adore. I've experienced sacrificial love from the Body of Christ and I've experienced the peace that surpasses understanding.

As I reflect on the past ten years, my feelings are mixed. There are hurts. There are sorrows. There are joys unspeakable. One thing has remained constant -- the peace that surpasses understanding that only Christ can give. I pray that you experience that peace as well.

Depression and Suicide Risk

Barbara was relieved when her son, John, told her he was going out to grab some pizza with the guys. John had been struggling with depression off and on for the past several years. His most recent episode had lasted about three months. Barbara had been worried about John. He had no motivation to do his school work and often called in sick to work. He had been spending more time in his room, and did not even want to talk on his phone with friends.

Six weeks ago, Barbara convinced John to see his family doctor about the depression. He was prescribed an antidepressant and encouraged to exercise daily. Yesterday, John surprised his mom by giving her flowers and thanking her for her support over the past several months. She was ecstatic when he told her he wanted to go out for the night with friends. Things were finally looking up.

Just as Barbara prepared for bed, there was a knock on the door. Opening it, she was confused – why was there a police officer at her door? 

“Oh no! No! No! No!”

Barbara’s son John had driven his car off a cliff killing himself.

Unfortunately, while the details may differ, the suicides do not. Individuals with depression are at greater risk for suicide attempts immediately following a depressive episode. When a person is depressed, he may ruminate on all the reasons and ways to die, but he has no energy to do anything. As the depression lifts, these self-deprecating thoughts often remain and now the person has the energy to put into action the plan he has been construing for some time.

Don’t think because the depression is starting to lift that the risk for suicide has passed. Continue to watch for warning signs and don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions --- Are you planning to hurt yourself? Have you thought about killing yourself? Have you thought about how you would do it? Do you have a plan?

If the answer is yes, seek help immediately. Call 911.  If you are suicidal, consider calling the crisis hotline number below.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

People Can Be So Insensitive

Why is it whenever someone loses a loved one to suicide, people feel like they have the right to question everything? My heart aches for families who have lost someone to suicide. For example, Robin Williams daughter had to ask the public to respect their privacy…people make all sorts of allegations. Kay Warren has been open about the hurtful things people have said to her after the death of her son. I remember my blood boiling when people would ask, “Did you have any idea Michael was going to kill himself?” 

What kind of question is that? If I suspected, then am I to blame? If I had no clue, am I at fault?  The guilt. The shame. It was often so heavy it threatened to swallow me.

Trust me from personal experience. When you lose someone to suicide, you tend to replay every word spoken over and over again, searching for clues, for anything you might have missed…blaming yourself for not knowing…shaming yourself over your inability to prevent the suicide. We do not need others to throw stones. We do enough of that ourselves --- we assault ourselves with accusations and allegations, searching, hoping desperately to find some sort of answer…anything to explain WHY.

I have seen a multiple posts on Facebook recently attacking a family who lost someone to suicide. I beg you to stop!  No matter what your personal opinions, families touched by suicide are hurting and do not need you to inflict further pain.

When someone dies from cancer, we pray for their families and look for ways to offer comfort. Why then, do we treat those touched by suicide differently?  May we look for ways to offer comfort and support to all who are hurting without judgment or condemnation. 

There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus…and as his disciples, may we do likewise.

The Gift I Never Wanted but I Am Grateful to Have

Nine years ago this month, I received a phone call that changed the course of my life. Michael called to say goodbye; with every fiber of my being, I thought that we would find Michael and get him to a hospital where he would received help. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that phone call would be our last conversation ever.

Since that day, my life has continued to be ravished by suicide -- some resulted in the deaths of people I love and still others survived.  Suicide simply transfers the pain of the ones who died to the ones left behind. 

The following statistics are from SPAN-GA, a suicide prevention network:

One out of every TEN students has seriously
 considered suicide in the last 12 months. 

One out of every TWENTY students has ATTEMPTED suicide in the last 12 months.

For every ONE Youth Suicide, there are up to
 200 youth suicide attempts. 

The youngest suicide loss in Georgia was  

 8 years old, and we are seeing suicidal  

ideation as young as 5.

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for  

youth ages 15 - 24, and 2nd leading cause  

of death for college students. 

If these stats are true, why are we still silent on the issue of suicide? People are hurting and don't know where to turn to end their pain, so they take the life-threatening path.  I pray that we will listen with our hearts as well as with our ears and that we will be compassionate and non-judgmental.

I work with a support group for people who have lost loved ones to suicide; many feel embarrassed to talk to their family and friends about what happened, fearing that somehow they might be blamed for the suicide. Others heap guilt on themselves, wondering how in the world they could have missed the warning signs. I've been there, and I can tell you that going down that road only adds to the guilt and shame. Ultimately those who die by suicide are in such pain, that the only escape they see in the moment is suicide. If we could have prevented it, we would have -- sadly it was not in our control.

Iris Bolton describes the gift that many find in the healing process. Nine years ago, I would have balked at this. Today, I realize that as I share the reality of Michael's death with others, lives have been saved and others have found healing. This is not a boast about my actions but a testimony to the gift of God. Michael's death was not in vain. While I wish there had been another way, God has used it to not only transform my life, but the lives of many others as well.  The devastating pain has shaped me into a stronger more compassionate person -- an unexpected gift.

If you are hurting from the suicide of someone you love, wait for the gift. It may not be immediate, but joy comes in the morning.

 In my next post, I will share lessons I have learned in the past nine years since Michael's death.

Blessed by the words of a friend...

I was recently touched by a friend's raw response to Robin Williams suicide.  Next week is Suicide Prevention Week and the best thing we can do to prevent suicide is to share our story and invest our lives in others.  Well, Lindsey Brackett is doing just that.  I encourage you to read her post by clicking here.

Like Lindsey, too many Christians believe that if you truly love Jesus you will "be joyful always" and never feel depressed.  As much as I wish this were true, it is not.  The Bible is filled with examples of men and women who experienced the dark night of the soul.  Naomi even begged God to change her name to Mara (meaning bitterness) because of her hopelessness.

If you are in despair, muster up your courage and share your struggle with someone you love.  You don't have to struggle alone.

Depression, Suicide....How's a Christian to Respond?

Since the death of Robin Williams, "experts" on depression and suicide have come out of the woodwork.  I am concerned for those who struggle with depression, as many of these self-proclaimed "experts" tout their opinions as facts.  I don't pretend to be an expert, but I have learned some things from years of living with a husband who had bipolar and died by suicide as well as from my education in counseling.

People often mean well, but their well-intentions can often leave someone who is depressed feeling even more burdened.  I discussed this in a previous post (click here to read the post). People who are depressed don't need trite promises of a bright tomorrow.  They don't need to hear that their depression is due to a lack of faith --- if it didn't help when Job's friends tried it, why do we keep pretending to be God and acting like we have all the answers.

The truth is, there are times when some go through a dark night of the soul.  Many stay in this pit, for weeks or longer.  When they are in the pit, they need to see Light so that they have hope of escape.  So the question becomes, how can Christians share this Light without further burdening someone who is down?

There are times when there are no words.  When someone loses a loved one to suicide, there are no words that can erase the pain. The greatest gift you can offer during this time is your presence. Be with them in the pain.  Walk beside them.  Let them know that you are not a fair weather friend, but that you will stick by them.  Your presence may offer them the strength that they need to face another day.

(On a side note, it infuriates me that many people can be so insensitive to family members after suicidal loss.  We'd never go up to parent at a funeral home who just lost a son to cancer and say, "Why do you think he died?  Was it that he didn't get enough chemo?  Did the doctor not do enough to help -- or maybe he just didn't trust God to heal him?"  Trust me, family members are asking WHY and they don't need you to ask them.)

There is a lot of debate among Christians about whether depression should be medicated.  I have met countless people who tell me that without medication, they would be dead.  Antidepressants can save lives.  Are there cases of abuse?  Sure, but we could say the same thing about the overuse of antibiotics.  Do we deem all antibiotics evil and cease to use them since they are over-prescribed? I encourage anyone who is taking antidepressants long-term to consider seeing a psychiatrist; they know much more about psychopharmacology and are better able to monitor your medication use.

I hesitated to join the debate about medication because people are very passionate about their beliefs.  Regardless of your opinion, I challenge you to join me in praying for the family of Robin Williams.  I also encourage you to pray for others who have lost a loved one to suicide.  All the media hype may reopen old wounds, and they may need someone to talk to about their own experiences with suicide.  Be that someone.  Listen. Be present. Pray.

The cost of freedom...

I apologize for the brief hiatus; it wasn't intentional.  I'm working on my doctorate, and I have had so many papers to write and books to read that I haven't had time to write.  I did want to take a minute today to encourage you to pray for people in the military around the world.

The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) released a disturbing statistic.  More soldiers have died from suicide than in battle in Afghanistan.  This tells me that the horrors our servicemen and women are experiencing overseas come home with them.  Many suffer from PTSD or have a difficult time reintegrating into society.  Family problems, economic problems, and access to healthcare are all added stressors for many who have served for our freedom.

While we grill out and enjoy fireworks, a soldier is contemplating whether or not to live.  This is not OK.  I have asked a friend who works with veterans to write a guest post in the coming weeks, but for now I am calling you to pray for our nation. Pray for our leaders who determine where our troops will go.  Pray for our troops at home and abroad.  Freedom is costly -- may we be willing to do our part in prayer.

Guest Post: Suicide Prevention in the Bible

I am proud to share with you a guest post written by my husband, Jeff.  Last week, our high school was in lockdown due to a suicide threat.  Jeff was working at the school when it happened, and below are some of his reflections on the event.

Guest Blogger: Jeff Ford

In September of last year, Natalie posted a prayer challenge and this vital information on her blog:

Pray that God will help anyone who is currently considering suicide to find hope and peace... I (Natalie) also wanted to share with you a hotline for people who are contemplating suicide. Write this number down and carry it with you: GEORGIA CRISIS AND ACCESS LINE / WWW.MYGCAL.COM / 1-800-715-4225

I'm re-posting her challenge as well as a devotional thought regarding suicide prevention. I asked Natalie to allow me to be her guest "blogger" this month. In light of last week's White County High School crisis, and my close vicinity to the events, I hope I can encourage the readers of www.natalieflake.com to be more informed in ways to help prevent suicide. 

It was a normal day at the High School. We had just finished saying the pledge of allegiance when word of the "full-lock-down" came on the intercom. Appropriate measures were made to ensure the safety of the students in my classroom. It was a day unlike any other we had ever experienced. I would later hear of the heroism and preventative measures by faculty members at White County that saved the life of a high school student. A student had felt like her circumstance were so overwhelming that suicide was the answer. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. Suicide is never the answer. 

Our crisis at the High School ended in the best possible fashion. A life was saved. In Acts 16:27-28, we discover a story of suicide prevention. A Roman jail guard's circumstances seemed so dire, that he set out to make the most dreadful of decisions. The jailer believed his life circumstances were so unbearable that he should take his own life. 

Paul, aware of the threat, reached out to him and stopped him with words of hope: "Don't do that! We are here." The Roman jailer was on the verge of making the worst decision he could ever make. His decision to commit suicide was derailed because Paul spoke up. 

What the one in crisis thought were facts, "I am better off dead, my life is ruined, I have no other option, I should end it all..." These were simply misconceptions. The truth is: you are better off alive, your life is sacred, you have options, you should start a new life. The crisis became the turning point. The jailer's life and the life of his family were dynamically changed in the midst of the crisis. If not for Paul's words of wisdom, guidance, and clarification then the person in crisis would have gone through with his intentions and ended his life. A life was saved. A life was changed. When the crisis ended, life took on a new meaning. The jailer put his faith and trust in a new way of life. The jailer was able to live as he was meant to live.

Through crisis hope is embraced. This is the story from Scripture, and this can also be the story for you. Amen. 

One last reminder: 

Write this number down and carry it with you: GEORGIA CRISIS AND ACCESS LINE / WWW.MYGCAL.COM / 1-800-715-4225

Depressed, Lonely, and Cloudy Thinking

This week I have been teaching my students about the life of Elijah.  The story that comes to most of our minds is his showdown with the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18.  Elijah has a mountaintop experience after God demonstrates his power to all the idolaters in Israel.  Elijah is elated -- for awhile.

You see, Queen Jezebel worshiped Baal, and she was furious with Elijah for humiliating her and for killing all of Baal's prophets. She sent word to the king that she wanted Elijah dead.  When Elijah heard the news, he fled into the wilderness, and hid in a cave where he became overwhelmed with grief and sadness.  His depression was so great that he stopped eating and begged God to take his life.

Elijah felt alone. He thought he was the only one left who worshiped God. In 1 Kings 19:18, God tells Elijah that there are 7000 men who have not bowed down to Baal.  Depression often clouds our thinking.  Elijah wasn't really alone, but in his sorrows, he felt abandoned by God.  Elijah was so focused on his circumstances, that he failed to recognize God's presence.  

When we are lonely and depressed we tend to feel sorry for ourselves. We can’t see all the blessings in our lives. God had just used Elijah to prove His might and now Elijah is hiding in a cave feeling sorry for himself. When we are down, we need to focus on what we have to be thankful for. It also helps to look for ways to help others. Elijah was so caught up in himself that he failed to see the 7000 others worshiping God.

How do you think this story might have been different if Elijah had connected with the 7000?  We need other believers in our lives.  The Church is a body -- we need all our parts in order to be all that God called us to be. We need encouragement, accountability, fellowship – we need each other.  I could not have made it through my first husband’s death without the church. They were the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. We need church.  If you aren’t going to church, I challenge you to find one.  Make it a priority to find a church where you can attend.  

A side note:  If anyone tells you that Christians don't get depressed, remember Elijah. He was a great prophet of God, and yet he despaired to the point of longing for death to overtake him.  

How Full is Your Cup?

Today I will be teaching law enforcement about suicide prevention and postvention. The irony is that eight years ago today I was sitting in my living room waiting to hear from the police as they searched for Michael. I'll never forget seeing the priest standing in my doorway. Just seeing his collar told me that what I'd feared the most had come true. Michael was gone.

I had to go the next morning to meet with an investigator. I couldn't understand why I had to meet with her. The police knew I had been at home all day. They had been in and out of my house during the search. Hearing details regarding his death was almost more than I could bear...

One question plagued me --- why? 

Every person I've ever met who lost someone to suicide asked the same question. In preparing my talk, I read about an analogy by Iris Bolton (who lost her son to suicide) that helps to put the "why" into perspective.  

We all have a cup, a place deep inside us, where stress and hardships are collected. A lost job, a friend's betrayal, divorce...all add drops to our cups. Some circumstances add multiple drops. Some add just one. It is the last drop that seemingly causes a cup to overflow, but it is really a compilation of all the drops. The last one just put the contents over the edge. We all have to learn ways to empty our cups in healthy ways. We can talk to a counselor, a pastor, or even a friend about our struggles. We can pour out our hearts to the Lord. We can eat healthy and exercise. When we take care of ourselves, physically, mentally, and spiritually, We have to empty our cup or disaster will strike (mental breakdowns, suicide, homicides, etc.).

I encourage you not to let your cup fill to the brim. Take time to intentionally empty it so that your cup won't flood.

I praise God for bringing me to a place where I can openly share my past hurts in an attempt to encourage others -- He does this by continually emptying my cup one drop at a time.

Suicide Postvention

In the past two weeks, I've received texts about one attempted and one completed suicide. My heart aches for the families of both of these individuals. I recently found out that Michael's death began a string of suicide attempts in our community. This absolutely breaks my heart. When we lose someone to suicide, we are often so overcome by our own grief that we fail to see how others are struggling. Research shows that people who have lost a loved one to suicide are at a greater risk of suicide themselves. The term postvention is any mental health intervention for the surviving friends and family of a suicide completer.

I want to encourage you to keep a close eye on your loved ones who are grieving. Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions. Asking someone if he has considered hurting himself will not give him the idea; this is a myth that prevents loved ones from asking this most important question.

January has more suicides than any other month. People are often left with mounting debt due to the holidays as well as disappointments and regrets during the Christmas season. Ask God to give you eyes to see the hurt around you. Be intentional about showing the people in your life how much you care. 

If someone you work with takes his life, there are postvention resources available to help your staff. Click here for more information.

Suicide Prevention Week: What You Can Do

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Sadly, I woke up this morning to a message from  friend who is a military chaplain overseas. She shared that yesterday (which was World Suicide Prevention Day), she conducted a memorial service for a fellow serviceman and friend who died by suicide. It breaks my heart each time I hear of another person who was so overcome with pain that they thought suicide was the only way out. 

People all over America are encouraged to light a single candle and place it near a window in memory of someone who died by suicide. Consider doing this, but I encourage you to take it a step further. Pray that God will help anyone who is currently considering suicide to find hope and peace. Pray that God will save lives as you light your candle. Pray for the families and friends who have been left behind.

I also wanted to share with you a hotline for people who are contemplating suicide. Write this number down and carry it with you.

Out of Deep Waters...a blog interview

I recently interviewed with a fellow suicide survivor, Leah Slack Stirewalt, on her blog. I met Leah a couple of years ago at SheSpeaks (a writer's conference). We both felt instantly connected as we shared our stories and enjoyed a sweet time of prayer together. She too, lost her husband to suicide. We have stayed in touch over the years, and it is so refreshing to see how God has turned both of our tears to joy. I consider it an honor to be interviewed on her blog. You can read the interview by clicking here.

Pray for those at risk: A response the double suicides in NYC

My heart grew heavy as I read about the double suicide of the radio hosts in New York City last night. So many people were shocked – especially because the woman was a former psychotherapist. We tend to think that certain “types” of people are immune to suicidal ideation – counselors, ministers, teachers – but the truth is, there are times when we are all tempted to lose hope.

Someone I care deeply about is in a rotten situation that can seem pretty hopeless at times. I search for the words to say to bring encouragement, but all I could tell him was “I’ll pray for you.” Even though I meant that with all my heart, the words seemed inadequate to addresshise pain.

This morning I was listening to a sermon by Francis Chan on Luke 22.  What really caught my attention were verses 31-32.  Jesus is basically telling Peter, Satan wants to tear you up, chew you up and spit you out. This is Jesus talking to Peter – the King of Kings. He could have said, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let him,” but he didn’t. Jesus responded saying, “I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.”

I couldn’t help but wonder if that is what is happening in my friend’s life. Is Satan trying to sift him and destroy his faith?  Yes, God could change his circumstances, but instead He is allowing him to be sifted to strengthen his faith.

If you are going through a difficult time, these words may not change how you feel, but I want you to rest assured that God has not forgotten you. He has not forsaken you. Those are lies the enemy wants you to believe so that he can destroy your faith. Without our faith, there is no hope. You have to cling to what you know is true about God even when you don’t feel God’s presence.

I remember thinking God had forgotten me as I struggled to come to grips with Michael’s bipolar disorder. I’d cry out to God and he was so silent during many of those years. I wondered if he was listening. It’s easy to trust God when we see evidence of his goodness and grace all around us – anybody can do that. It takes incredible faith to trust him when all around you seems bleak.

If prayer was Jesus’ response to Peter’s sifting, perhaps it is right that it should be our response as well. If you or someone you know is going through a “dark night of the soul,” take time to be still and call on the name of the Lord.

Suicide Prevention Begins with Us

                                                                                     

I would love to be able to report that the number of people dying by suicide has declined, but I can’t. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that someone completes suicide every 13.7 seconds. That statistic once again became much more real for me last week. One of my dearest friends lost a family member to suicide. The dying are husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons. They have names. They leave behind a myriad of hurting loved ones.  

I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you of who is most at risk for suicide. While more women make attempts, men are more likely to complete suicide. Native Americans and White American men are the most susceptible. Suicide rates are highest for people between the ages of 40 and 59. Ninety percent of people who die by suicide have a treatable mental illness.   

In this economy, so many people are unemployed and struggling financially. This added burden is often too much for many men who place their value on their ability to provide for their families. Sometimes circumstances such as losing a loved one can lead to desperation and suicidal ideation.  The depressed are more likely to contemplate suicide. Someone who has an increase in self-destructive behaviors such as increased drinking, flying into rages, or cutting may also be at risk. 

If you know anyone who is facing tremendous stress and expresses any of these risk factors, give them a little extra TLC. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they’ve ever thought of hurting themselves. This will not put the thought in their minds. It might just save a life! If they are thinking about suicide, ask them if they have a plan. If they do, take them to a hospital or doctor immediately.  

Being reminded of the gut-wrenching hurt that suicide brings to friends and family was a wakeup call to me not to become complacent in the battle to save lives. People need to know that there is hope.  

For more information on suicide, check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s webpage by clicking here.

Flyleaf singer, Lacey Sturm, shares her story

Someone recently shared this link with me and I was so moved, that I wanted to share it with you. Lacey Sturm, a singer in the band Flyleaf, talks candidly about her past as an atheist and her plan to complete suicide. There are times when we have no idea that someone we love is contemplating suicide, and there are times when warnings ring out so that you can reach out to help. Then, there are those supernatural times when God intervenes in ways that only he can. Listen as Lacey shares her story below.

We serve a God who cares...let us never forget!

Surviving a Murder/Suicide

Recently, our small town was recently devastated by a murder/suicide. Having grieved numerous deaths by suicide personally, my heart goes out to the family and friends left behind. While I did not know the families involved, my heart hurts for them; I can only imagine the consuming agony they must feel. Surviving Michael’s suicide was gut-wrenching at times, but I cannot begin to fathom the pain of knowing that someone I love not only took his own life, but someone else’s as well.

How can you minister to family and friends whose loved one has committed such a travesty? This is someone’s son, someone’s niece, someone’s sister, someone’s friend… What do you say when there are no words?

Family and friends need to know that you love them unconditionally and that you hurt with them. Being there for them, crying with them, offering to do small tasks such as housecleaning or laundry shows them you care. Don’t judge family members based on current circumstances; they need support now more than ever. They do not want you to judge their loved one’s entire life but their final actions. Just as you would listen and share stories with those who died by natural causes, be willing to listen to favorite memories.

Many family and friends may feel guilt over what happened. Lovingly assure them that they are not to blame for someone else’s actions…there may have been warning signs that were missed, and friends and family will be tempted to beat themselves up over these. “If only I’d …” The thought is that someone I could have prevented this from happening and yet I didn’t. In most cases, the opposite is true:  you could not have prevented this from happening no matter what you had done. Statistics show that people who have lost someone to suicide often struggle with suicidal tendencies in the aftermath of their loved one’s death. If you or your friend are struggling to process what has happened, find a trusted pastor or counselor to talk where you can wrestle through the complicated grief.

I encourage you to click here and read the story of a woman who survived her son’s murder/suicide. She offers suggestions for survivors to help them in the immediate aftermath.

Lastly, find a SOS (survivors of suicide) support group where you can meet with others who have faced similar loss. You can find a local chapter by visiting here.

If you have been touched by a murder/suicide know that my prayers are with you.