Learning to Listen

Panic. Dread. Unprecedented Fear. These emotions describe the turmoil in our car just moments before Jorjanne's first driving lesson.After a quick prayer, I gently instructed her on keeping it between the lines, knowing when to brake and when to speed up. As I did these feelings slowly began to dissipate. Peace and calm gradually filled the space once filled with anxiety and worry.

As I've reflected on our time together in the car I realized that in order for Jorjanne to focus on driving we had to tune out the distractions (turn off cell phones and radio). She listened intently to my voice and worked diligently to obey the commands given to her.

God wants us to do the same in daily lives. Too often distractions drown out his still, small voice until we are consumed with doing what the world deems important, and our thoughts become consumed with worry.

Henry Nouwen, a Roman Catholic priest and psychologist, wrote "Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life."

Let me say that again. "Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life."

If this is true, how many of us are failing to live a spiritual life? Why is it that so many of us avoid getting alone and being still before the Lord? I believe the answer lies in our own inability to stop our thoughts from wandering. 

I don't know about you, but when I get quiet my mind starts to race. I think about my to-do list and have to fight the urge to not "do something." If I am quiet long enough anxieties, fears, hurtful memories, anger, and pain threaten to consume me. Uncomfortable with these feelings, I want to stop this "inner chat" and resume my life of busyness. "We are surrounded by so much outer noise that it is hard to truly hear our God when he is speaking to us."

This is the opposite of what God calls us to do. We are to be still before the Lord. It is only when we allow these thoughts to permeate us, that God is able to counter our hurts and fears with the peace that surpasses understanding. Slowly the Holy Spirit does a healing work in the deep recesses of our heart and soul.

One of my professors in seminary required that we spend 3 hours alone with the Lord. Honestly, I dreaded this assignment and thought it was a waste of time. So out of obligation, I gathered my Bible, a hymnal, a journal and my guitar and headed for the state park. In the beginning there was a lot of awkwardness. My mind wandered, and I would fight to bring it back to the Word. As I disciplined myself to be still, I experienced one of the sweetest, most intimate times with the Lord that I've ever had. I left that park different than I arrived. I left with contentment, peace and joy even though my life circumstances remained the same.

Nouwen stated it this way. "Our hope is not based on something that will happen after our sufferings are over, but on the real presence of God's healing Spirit in the midst of these sufferings."

Spending 3 hours alone with God daily is not realistic for most of us. The point of this blog is to encourage you to find a starting point for solitude. Consider scheduling time in your calendar for solitude and don't let anything change that appointment. Get up early on Sundays and spend time preparing your heart for worship -- maybe even go to the Church and find a quiet place to pray and listen.

Solitude is not easy. It is awkward at first, but it has the potential to radically sanctify us and make us more like Christ. If Jesus was always intently listening to the Father, how much more do we need to do so?

Hope for a Weary Soul

Over the past few weeks I have been inundated with calls and meetings with people in crisis. Life is tough...there are days when we all wonder how we will persevere. In times of extreme stress, our brain releases cortisol in effort to help us regulate our stress response so that we can return to a state of homeostasis. In moderation, cortisol is a helpful hormone. The problem is when we live under constant duress, the body exerts excessive amounts of cortisol which can lead to high blood sugar, weight gain, gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, and suppresses the immune system. I wish this list was as bad as it gets, but sadly, stress leads many to consider suicide as an option for dealing with their pain. (Just minutes before posting this I received word from a loved one of a suicide in her circle of friends). 

There are times when we are unable to eliminate stressors in our lives, so what's a person to do?  The answer lies in our ability to find healthy coping mechanisms to eliminate stress. We need to combat stress physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

Most of us know that aerobic exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep all work to reduce the effects of stress. We can also combat stress symptoms by managing our mental health. Meditation calms a person physically and emotionally, leading to better mental health. In addition, research shows that practicing the spiritual disciplines helps to deter the harmful effects of stress. 

The next time you are overwhelmed with stress, take a time out. Get alone with the scriptures and meditate on God's Word. Some passages that have helped me in the past are:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."  Lamentations 3:22

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faithproduces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."   James 1:2-5

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

As well as Isaiah 43 and Hebrews 12

What are some passages that have ministered to your soul in dark times?

10 Things You Can Do to Counter Depression

1.  Exercise - Believe it or not, when you exercise, your brain releases pleasure-inducing endorphins which reduce perceptions of pain and produce a natural high (similar to a runner's high). When you are depressed the last thing you want to do is exercise, but if you can push through it, it is a natural way to counter those blues.

2.  Eat bananas - Depression can be due to a decrease in serotonin levels. Bananas are a great source of serotonin, and have the potential to lessen the effects of depression.

3.  Get adequate sunlight - Darkness triggers an increase in the production of melatonin in the body causing drowsiness. In contrast, sunlight is believed to increase serotonin levels increasing "happy feelings."

4.  Socialize - When we are depressed we tend to isolate ourselves, and this feeds the depression. As we withdraw from social situations, our self-worth deteriorates and the self-deprecation begins. We were created for relationships, and we need others to help us during times of depression.

5.  Get up and keep a routine - People who are depressed tend to sleep too little or too much. The tendency is to lie in bed all day. Again, this creates a vicious cycle. The more you lie in bed, the less energy you have, and the less motivated you are to get up. Fight through the temptation to lounge around in your PJ's. Get up and do the things you were do if you were not depressed. Keeping a routine helps to break the cycle.

6.  See a doctor - If your depression persists for weeks, you may want to see your primary care physician and make sure there is not a physical reason for your depression. Chronic pain, thyroid issues, hormonal issues, decreased serotonin or norepinephrine can all contribute to depression. You want to rule out any physical etiology for your depression.

7.  Talk to a therapist or pastor - There are times when life is just plain 'ole difficult. During these times we may need a trustworthy person in whom to confide. Consider talking with a minister or a counselor whom you trust.  They can help you to process your thoughts and feelings, give you tools to counter your depression, and offer added support so that you no longer feel alone. Learn more here about taking off your mask and being real.

8.  Replace negative thoughts with positive ones - Depression is usually coupled with negative thinking. In order to stop our stinkin' thinking, we have to identify our irrational thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and counter them with true statements. For example, "My family would be better off without me," could be replaced with "If I was not here, my parents and my siblings would be very sad and would miss me."  Another example is "I cannot do anything right." Replace this thought with "There are things I do well. I work well with children; I take care of my pets..."  You get the picture! Don't believe the lies that often come with depression. Click here for more on this.

9.  Start a list of things you are thankful for - This one is connected to #8. Instead of mulling over all that is wrong with me, I can focus on what is right. Making a list of things I am thankful for can help me to change my default setting to one of gratitude. Habakkuk, a man in the Old Testament, chose to rejoice even when things seemed bleak. Learn more of his story by clicking here.

10.  Do something fun!  People who are depressed often experience anhedonia. This means that they no longer enjoy the things they once did. Many refrain from such activities because they believe the lie that they couldn't possibly have fun, nor does anyone want to be around them. The mind is a powerful thing. Go with an open mind and you might be surprised by the fun you are capable of. If the depression persists, consider #6 and talk to a doctor.

Depression is treatable. You do not have to suffer indefinitely. Take control of your health and be proactive about reducing your depressive symptoms. Pray and ask God to help you to return to a place of joy and contentment. Don't give up! Joy comes in the morning.

Saying goodbye to someone you love...

This semester I have been teaching a psychology class on illness, death and healing. In the course of the semester, I have spoken with friends who are nearing the end as they face their own mortality, and with others who have recently lost someone they love. What surprised me is the desire by those who are dying to talk about their impending death.

We often talk about everything except this elephant in the room when we are with someone who is dying. We make small talk about trivial things for fear of upsetting the other person. What I have learned is that the other person is already thinking about the road ahead...as a matter of fact, for many it is what they think about most.

Many long for someone to share their fears and their hopes with only to find that no one wants to listen; no one wants to talk about what the process of death will be like...what life will be like after our loved one is gone. Because many of us are uncomfortable with death, we avoid the subject when that may be the very thing our loved ones need to discuss.

Sometimes we avoid the person for fear of saying the wrong thing. Several have told me that when their friends or family avoid them, it either makes them believe the other person doesn't care or they feel stigmatized and unloved. Don't avoid people you love; make amends if needed and give the gift of your presence. Sometimes words are not needed -- just your presence and a willingness to listen.

I want to be sensitive to this in others and allow them the opportunity to speak freely. If you know someone who is dying, don't dance around the subject but don't force it either. Be a friend...be willing to meet your loved one where they are and listen no matter what they want to discuss.

The Gift I Never Wanted but I Am Grateful to Have

Nine years ago this month, I received a phone call that changed the course of my life. Michael called to say goodbye; with every fiber of my being, I thought that we would find Michael and get him to a hospital where he would received help. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that phone call would be our last conversation ever.

Since that day, my life has continued to be ravished by suicide -- some resulted in the deaths of people I love and still others survived.  Suicide simply transfers the pain of the ones who died to the ones left behind. 

The following statistics are from SPAN-GA, a suicide prevention network:

One out of every TEN students has seriously
 considered suicide in the last 12 months. 

One out of every TWENTY students has ATTEMPTED suicide in the last 12 months.

For every ONE Youth Suicide, there are up to
 200 youth suicide attempts. 

The youngest suicide loss in Georgia was  

 8 years old, and we are seeing suicidal  

ideation as young as 5.

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for  

youth ages 15 - 24, and 2nd leading cause  

of death for college students. 

If these stats are true, why are we still silent on the issue of suicide? People are hurting and don't know where to turn to end their pain, so they take the life-threatening path.  I pray that we will listen with our hearts as well as with our ears and that we will be compassionate and non-judgmental.

I work with a support group for people who have lost loved ones to suicide; many feel embarrassed to talk to their family and friends about what happened, fearing that somehow they might be blamed for the suicide. Others heap guilt on themselves, wondering how in the world they could have missed the warning signs. I've been there, and I can tell you that going down that road only adds to the guilt and shame. Ultimately those who die by suicide are in such pain, that the only escape they see in the moment is suicide. If we could have prevented it, we would have -- sadly it was not in our control.

Iris Bolton describes the gift that many find in the healing process. Nine years ago, I would have balked at this. Today, I realize that as I share the reality of Michael's death with others, lives have been saved and others have found healing. This is not a boast about my actions but a testimony to the gift of God. Michael's death was not in vain. While I wish there had been another way, God has used it to not only transform my life, but the lives of many others as well.  The devastating pain has shaped me into a stronger more compassionate person -- an unexpected gift.

If you are hurting from the suicide of someone you love, wait for the gift. It may not be immediate, but joy comes in the morning.

 In my next post, I will share lessons I have learned in the past nine years since Michael's death.