A couple of months ago I began writing about
the four horsemen that threaten to destroy marriages according to researcher,
John Gottman. Life has been so busy that
my good intentions of doing this 4-part series in a month was delayed. The third “horseman” that wants to kill your
marriage is defensiveness. We are all guilty of this one.
"It's not my fault."
A wife comes home after a long day at work and
sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry. Her husband comes home early and comments on
the laundry he sees piled on the couch. Immediately the excuses begin. “I’ve had
a long day at work, and I can’t sit down for five minutes without you nagging
me about the laundry.” Not only does the
wife get defensive, but she begins to criticize her husband.
When we get defensive, fight or flight kicks in
for the other person. The defensive husband either shuts down communication or
he takes the bait and fights back with equally hurtful words…and thus, the
battle begins.
While being defensive may seem like a natural
safeguard against a perceived threat, it can cause long-term damage to your
relationships. When you get defensive, you tend to blame your partner. Gottman says that in effect you are saying, “The
problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Not only is
this ineffective in solving problems, but it may create new relational
ones. It is so much better to take
responsibility apologize if needed.
REWIND:
A wife comes home after a long day at work and
sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry. Her husband comes home early and comments on
the laundry he sees piled on the couch. She answers, “I’ll get to it in a
little while; I just need a few minutes to myself.”
Who knows, he might just respond with “How can
I help you?”
Labels: Daily Living, Marriage
