Learning to Trust (and not fear) in the Storms

Fear. We’ve all experienced it. Fear can be crippling. It can paralyze us. Fear can also be good; fear keeps children from touching a hot stove. Fear keeps us from jumping into the lion’s den. So how do we keep a healthy fear from turning into a consuming fear? Several years ago, I was struck by lightening. It was a terrifying, death-defying experience. For months afterwards, I would cower in fear when thunderstorms came our way. It took time for me to overcome this fear. Why is it some fears are easy to overcome, while others threaten to strangle us?

This year has been one of the hardest of my life, for reasons I won’t write about on my blog. Perhaps the most difficult part has been (and is) fear of the unknown. We make plans and have our lives mapped out. Then life happens. Circumstances rivet our world, causing us either to trust in spite of the fear or to surrender to its grip. 

I wish I could say that I’ve always chosen to trust, but sadly, I can be quite the worry wart. I worry about things that are out of my control. I know that each day has enough troubles of its own, but it’s so easy to contemplate all the possible consequences that tomorrow might bring. The Bible encourages us to take every thought captive – man, that is sooooo hard!

I am reading a book by Ruth Graham called Fear not tomorrow, for God is Already There. I’m learning to trust – for it seems the opposite of fear. Mrs. Graham writes, “I realized that I had been putting God in a box. If I just did the right things, said the right things, gave Him the time, then He would show up. But I saw that my trust in God could not rest on any experience I may or may not have. My trust, my belief in God, had to rest on the fact that He was with me, whether I felt Him or not” (p. 42-43).  Faith is trusting God when we don’t see evidence of His presence. I don’t know why God allows what He allows, but I know He is in control, even when things seem to be spinning out of control. He is our Peace.

Graham goes on to say, “It is when we are undone, messy, and vulnerable that God does his deep, comforting work in us” (p. 60). He’s doing a lot of chiseling on me, but I know He has the final work of art in sight with each cut.

Inspired to Write

Ever wonder where an author gets her motivation to write? Ever since I was a child, I always dreamed of being a writer. When I was about nine years old, I spent months writing a story to give my parents that year for Christmas. A year later, I asked my parents, "Do you remember the story I gave you last year? Did you like it? One day, I'm going to be a real author." Later that night as I opened gifts, I remember one that seemed really heavy. I unwrapped the paper to discover a DHL box. When I opened the lid, I gasped in astonishment. Inside there was 100 copies of A Month in America, my very first story! Thanks to my dad, I was published!

That was the best Christmas gift ever! My dad had no idea that his gift would inspire me to pursue my dream of being an author. Even as I write this, my eyes well up with tears to know that this dream is finally coming true. Thank you, Daddy, for always believing me and for encouraging me to pursue my dream!

Big Gift in Small Package

I’ve always heard big things come in small packages, but I never dreamed this small package would get so big. Last year we went on vacation as a family of four (me, Jorjanne, our dog, and our cat) but we came home a family of five. We adopted a pet turtle named Polkala (Pokey for short). He came with a cute little “habitat.”  It didn’t take long for him to steal our hearts.

I love to sing and one day I realized that every time I’d sing, he’d stick his head out of the water to listen. Then Jorjanne and I made up a silly song about his name and we began singing it to him every time we’d feed him. Not too long ago, he started taking the food right out of our hands.

We’ve had Pokey for a year now and my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday. I thought and said, “Hmmm, I think I should get Polkala a new aquarium.” Now, I had a small fish bowl in mind when I went to Pet Smart. Imagine my surprise when the clerk told me that Pokey would get to be the size of a football. She told me that if I continued to keep him in the small container, his shell would grow soft and he would die. We couldn’t let that happen! Not knowing if this was true or if she was just a good salesman, I knew I couldn’t take a risk of letting Pokey die. Now we have a huge aquarium in our living room for him. He’s been in it a week and a half and has already grown. I was shocked!

Once again, I’ve learned that it’s the little things in life that make up the big things. If I had known Pokey would get so big, I probably wouldn’t have bought him --- but I’m glad I did!

This is Pokey when we first bought him and you can see his home with the palm tree.

This is Pokey today.

 This is his new home.

What Makes an Occassion Special?

Ok, call me crazy but when I get that special outfit or some fantabulous perfume, I can’t treat it like something normal.  I have to save it for special occasions. It is very rare that I splurge on an outfit that’s not on sale, but the crazy thing is when I do, it’s like its sacred or something. I never wear it because I don’t want to mess it up. I want to save it for a “special occasion.” Twenty years ago, I received the most precious gift – a bottle of Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume. Wow! Absolutely love love love the smell!!! The problem?  I decided to only use it on special occasions. 

Now, here it is 20 years later and I have half a bottle left and guess what, the pump broke. The only way I can get the perfume out is to break the bottle, which would waste it!!!

Ok, so at first I was pretty upset about this, but the more I think about it, the more upset I am with myself. You see, I’ve realized that every moment of every day is special. We will never get back any of those moments that have passed. Some of the most “normal” days will forever be etched in my memory as some of the best days of my life. Hot summer days in the hammock, splashing in the lake, tickle fights, crying over skinned knees, working in the yard…

I am reminded of Mary Magdalene pouring the perfume over Jesus' feet. Perhaps she understood this truth. She knew that her time with Christ was special; it was limited. She wanted to make the most of it!

The problem is when I try and describe what makes one day more special over another, I can’t do it. Today is my birthday, and I am going to do my best to see each day this year as special. I want to live each day to the fullest, striving to bring God more glory each and every day. 

As for my special perfume, for now it sits on the window sill as a reminder not to let precious moments slip away.

Survivors of Suicide

Almost every month, I am faced with the reality of suicide as I receive letters and phone calls from people all across the nation who have lost someone they love. Each time my heart aches with the person (many of whom I’ve never met), because I know the path before them is one of gut-wrenching pain. I also know that God is able to bring healing, but only as we face the pain. There’s no shortcut on the road to healing.

Last year, I began working with an organization called SOS (Survivors of Suicide). There are SOS Support Groups all over the nation. These groups are designed for adults who have lost someone to suicide to meet with other survivors in an attempt to face their grief and find healing in a personal way. As survivors meet with each other, a mutual healing often takes place. Those who are newly bereaved often find comfort and hope from those who are further along in the grief process.

Losing someone to suicide is different than other types of loss. The grief is complicated. Not only do you face the normal stages of grief, but you may also experience guilt or shame. I remember feeling guilty and wondering what I could have done differently to save Michael. I also remember the shame. There are times I still feel the shame. Each time someone asks how my husband died, I can feel the shame rising within me, and I have to remind myself to hold my head high. Michael’s death did not define who he was. He was an amazing man, and I need not feel ashamed.

If you or someone you care about has lost someone to suicide, encourage them to visit a SOS Support Group. I encourage people to try it at least three times. If after three times it isn’t helpful, then feel free to stop coming. Sometimes it takes a while to feel safe in the group. To find out where a group is near you, go to http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com. 

Wanting What I Can't Have

Ever notice how you don’t really notice something until it’s gone? (I think there’s a song out there that says something like that, but I can’t remember it exactly.) It has always been around, but you never really realized it until you couldn’t have it anymore. Why is it that so often the things we desperately long for are things we cannot have. I decided to give up soft drinks for forty days in an effort to pray for trafficking and slavery around the world. My office sells soft drinks to students every day. In the past, I never really thought much about it, but as soon as I “forbade” myself from having them, it was like some dragon from deep within me starting roaring for a coke.

Just hearing the top pop is enough to make my mouth water. Even talking about it now makes me long for a coke. I’ve thought a lot about this (maybe too much actually). The Bible talks a lot about waiting. Delayed Gratification. In my life, the longer I pray about something, and the longer I have to wait for it, the greater the longing becomes.

I’ll be honest, I hate to wait! I get irritated if the “fast food” line backs up causing me to wait. I abhor traffic because it causes me to wait. I don’t like waiting for my teachers to grade my papers, for the light to turn green, and on and on the list goes. I suppose that God continues to make me wait on more important requests to develop a spirit of patience in me (trust me, I am not there yet!).

So, in the meantime, I begin drooling (not really but my mouth really does start watering) whenever I even think about a coke --- don’t even mention the word “Dr. Pepper” or there’s no telling what might happen. But along with my discomfort, I am moved to pray. While I miss such a simple pleasure, others are longing for their next meal, longing for freedom, longing for love and acceptance. My trivial longings for a coke pale in comparison.

So I wait in hopes that God will hear my prayers and bring healing and freedom (physical and spiritual) to those who are trapped in slavery. Still, I am waiting.

A Miracle of Hope...

Mother’s Day 2011, the couple felt compelled to plead with God to give them a child. They made their promise to the Lord public at their church. They committed to dedicate this child to the Lord in the same way Hannah gave up Samuel before he was ever born. They asked family and friends to pray with them, asking God to bless them with a child.

            A month and a half later, their dream became reality. She was expecting! O the joy and the fear! Could this be? Had God answered their prayer? Or was this yet another child to be lost before he was ever born? The couple continued to pray and give God glory for this conception.

            At nine months, the mother was hospitalized. Fear gripped everyone! Would their dreams die again, or would God bless them with a new life?

            This was reality for my friends, Josh and Amanda Hanke. She and her husband Josh pleaded with the Lord to give them a child. Time and again, their hopes had turned to heartbreak. Then on February 3, 2012 God gave them the cry of their heart by bringing Ryder Hanke into the world. What a miracle! Born at 4 lbs and 12 oz, he was so tiny. He had to stay in the neonatal unit even after mom and dad returned home.

            While their bodies were at home, their heart was at the hospital with their miracle baby. Day after day, they visited Ryder, praying for him, longing to bring him home. On February 13, 2012, Little Ryder did just that! At last, Josh and Amanda were able to bring home their son!

           

            I share this with you because it is one of hope! After nine months of praying with Amanda in the crying room, week after week, begging God to protect Ryder, it was with exceedingly great joy that we prayed for him this past Sunday in that same crying room, only this time he was with us not in utero, but in the flesh! Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. When I look into Ryder’s face, I see hope. I see the result of answered prayers! I am reminded of the widow who continued to plead with the judge until he heard her case. I am inspired to continually seek God’s face in earnest, not giving up hope!