It's Not My Fault...

A couple of months ago I began writing about the four horsemen that threaten to destroy marriages according to researcher, John Gottman.  Life has been so busy that my good intentions of doing this 4-part series in a month was delayed.  The third “horseman” that wants to kill your marriage is defensiveness. We are all guilty of this one.

"It's not my fault."

A wife comes home after a long day at work and sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry.  Her husband comes home early and comments on the laundry he sees piled on the couch. Immediately the excuses begin. “I’ve had a long day at work, and I can’t sit down for five minutes without you nagging me about the laundry.”  Not only does the wife get defensive, but she begins to criticize her husband. 

When we get defensive, fight or flight kicks in for the other person. The defensive husband either shuts down communication or he takes the bait and fights back with equally hurtful words…and thus, the battle begins.

While being defensive may seem like a natural safeguard against a perceived threat, it can cause long-term damage to your relationships. When you get defensive, you tend to blame your partner.  Gottman says that in effect you are saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”  Not only is this ineffective in solving problems, but it may create new relational ones.  It is so much better to take responsibility apologize if needed.

REWIND:

A wife comes home after a long day at work and sits down for a five minute break before she starts folding laundry.  Her husband comes home early and comments on the laundry he sees piled on the couch. She answers, “I’ll get to it in a little while; I just need a few minutes to myself.” 

Who knows, he might just respond with “How can I help you?”

It's All About the View

Fall is my favorite time of year for hiking. I love seeing all the colors on the trees as well as the cooler temperatures. It is the best time for climbing a mountain -- not too hot and not too cold.

Many times I stand at the bottom of a mountain and wonder if I can ever make it to the top. Depending on the clouds, there are days when the top of the mountain isn't even in sight.  The journey is treacherous at times, and I often have to rest along the way.  However, when I reach the summit, the view is spectacular. I cannot see all the twists and turns I made along the way, but my body feels them.  The view has not changed, but my perspective has.

The same can be said of life. There are times when we face seemingly insurmountable challenges. We may have no idea where the road will take us. We fear the unknown and may need to take time to rest and practice self-care during the journey.  There are other times when we have overcome unspeakable trials and we stand in awe of the strength and peace we find on the other side.  Many times, our circumstances may not change, but our perspective can.

My family is going through a tough time right now, and it is difficult to keep the proper perspective. My feelings fluctuate from anger, to sadness, to disgust, and to confusion.  Even though my feelings change, I know that one thing remains the same:  God is still in control and I can trust him.  It is during these times that I need to see things from a heavenly perspective. If I can keep my focus on God's sovereignty and off of my circumstances, I tend to experience more peace, patience, and understanding.  

May we seek to see others as God sees them and to see our trials as faith builders that can bring God glory.