The past
twenty-four hours were all a blur. Not only had I gotten the worst news I could
ever receive, but I also had to face the grim reality of life without Michael.
In just a few short hours after hearing of Michael’s death, my home became a
hub of activity. Friends and family came in droves to offer their condolences
and support. I’ll never forget my friends coming as soon as they heard and
taking Jorjanne to spend the day with them. My day was filled with making
arrangements at the funeral home and if that wasn’t hard enough, I had to meet
with an investigator at the Sheriff’s office. It was there that I learned the
horrifying details of Michael’s death, and I also learned that Michael had been
found with his journal and his Bible. He had spent his last day on earth
reading God’s Word and writing to me in his journal. I both longed and dreaded
reading that journal. Was I ready to read it now or should I wait? The investigator
solved the dilemma for me when she told me that his journal was evidence and
that she would have to keep it for a couple of weeks.
As I sat on
the edge of my bed thinking about my hellish day, I leaned over to get my
journal to try so that I could put my racing thoughts on paper to see if that
would help me sort through the chaos in my mind. I opened to the page where I
left off and to my astonishment I found these words penned in Michael’s
handwriting from the day before.
January 26, 2006
Natalie,
I’m sorry I’ve brought so much grief
and heartache into your life. My heart breaks but I know the tears will stop.
And you and Jorjanne’s life will go on. You’ll find someone who can take care
of you and who is more mentally
stable than I am. I’m so confused and so LOST.
May the Lord who brought this disease welcome me into His kingdom where
I’ll receive a new body and hopefully, a new mind.
I’m
sorry I’m not strong enough but one day you’ll be thankful I freed you from
this living nightmare. Tell Jorjanne I love her and I pray that she won’t have
this illness. I Love You!
Michael
I poured out my anguish to the Lord as I wrote in my journal
that night.
January 28, 2006
O my God!
What do I even say? My heart is
broken. Lord help me! Be my
strength! Be my comfort. I hurt so bad.
I need You in ways I don’t even know.
I’m terrified of what lies ahead. Lord,
thank you for leading me to my journal today. I treasure and yet I am tormented
by Michael’s letter. I know he loved me. I loved him so very much. I still
do. That’s why it hurts so bad. I’ve
lost my best friend.
I don’t know how I’ll make it
through today. You have to hold me in the palm of Your hand. I need you like
never before. Give me Your Word to cling to. Thank you for 2 Corinthians 1:2-3.
I hold these words dear to my heart. Calm my fears and my anxiety. Help me to
live in the moment. Don’t let me be overwhelmed. Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. What a
blessing she is! I need her. She is a jewel in the midst of this
nightmare. Deliver me from the depths of
woe. Set my feet on Your Rock. Be my salvation from this pain. God you are a good God and I will praise You!
Life takes
us down paths we never intend to go. Some bring great joy and others great
sorrow. My life has been one of many unexpected turns but each one has led me
closer to the cross. Losing Michael was in a lot of ways like losing myself. In
trying to make sense of it all I penned the following words to Michael.
February 4, 2006
Baby! I miss you so much. I try to be strong and make wise choices but
inside I’m crumbling. You were a part of me and I’ve lost who I am. Yes, my identity is in Christ but so
much of me was in you. I love you so much and that’s why it hurts so very much.
I need you and you’re gone. I know you did what you thought best, but I need
you. I LOVE YOU!!! It’s only been a week but it seems like a
lifetime.
I’m so grateful for the memories.
They make me smile. My heart is broken to know we’ll never make any more
memories together. I pray Jorjanne will remember you. I can’t imagine her
growing up without her daddy. WE NEED YOU and you left us!
Jesus,
You must now be my Best Friend. I’ve lost mine and I can never replace
him. Help me to confide in You and trust
You. I know you have a plan. Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. Even as I
write, she offers me a hug. Thank you for the gift she is. Help me to be a good
mommy for her.
The
funeral and visitation seem like months ago, yet last week this time I was
greeting the 2000+ people who came to the funeral home for visitation. Michael,
your funeral was a blessing. You lived a life that glorified God and pointed others to Christ and I pray that
your death will do the same. More than one
thousand people came to the funeral. You touched so many lives in so many ways.
I’ll never forget our first lunch together at Mercer, our trip to Texas, our
engagement, wedding and all the days in between. Knowing you has brought me the
greatest joy I could know apart from my relationship with Christ and losing you
I feel the greatest pain I’ve ever known. If I had to do it over, I’d marry you
again. I love you Michael Flake and I always will!
God, I know Your
grace will sustain me and I praise You in the midst of the storm.
Labels: Inspirational