Lost Chapters Part IV: The Early Days After Michael’s Death


            The past twenty-four hours were all a blur. Not only had I gotten the worst news I could ever receive, but I also had to face the grim reality of life without Michael. In just a few short hours after hearing of Michael’s death, my home became a hub of activity. Friends and family came in droves to offer their condolences and support. I’ll never forget my friends coming as soon as they heard and taking Jorjanne to spend the day with them. My day was filled with making arrangements at the funeral home and if that wasn’t hard enough, I had to meet with an investigator at the Sheriff’s office. It was there that I learned the horrifying details of Michael’s death, and I also learned that Michael had been found with his journal and his Bible. He had spent his last day on earth reading God’s Word and writing to me in his journal. I both longed and dreaded reading that journal. Was I ready to read it now or should I wait? The investigator solved the dilemma for me when she told me that his journal was evidence and that she would have to keep it for a couple of weeks.

            As I sat on the edge of my bed thinking about my hellish day, I leaned over to get my journal to try so that I could put my racing thoughts on paper to see if that would help me sort through the chaos in my mind. I opened to the page where I left off and to my astonishment I found these words penned in Michael’s handwriting from the day before.

                                                                                    January 26, 2006
                                                                                               
Natalie,
            I’m sorry I’ve brought so much grief and heartache into your life. My heart breaks but I know the tears will stop. And you and Jorjanne’s life will go on. You’ll find someone who can take care of you and who is more mentally stable than I am. I’m so confused and so LOST.  May the Lord who brought this disease welcome me into His kingdom where I’ll receive a new body and hopefully, a new mind.
I’m sorry I’m not strong enough but one day you’ll be thankful I freed you from this living nightmare. Tell Jorjanne I love her and I pray that she won’t have this illness. I Love You!
                                                                                                                        Michael

I poured out my anguish to the Lord as I wrote in my journal that night.

                                                                                                January 28, 2006
            O my God!  What do I even say?  My heart is broken. Lord help me!  Be my strength!  Be my comfort. I hurt so bad. I need You in ways I   don’t even know. I’m terrified of what lies ahead.  Lord, thank you for leading me to my journal today. I treasure and yet I am tormented by Michael’s letter. I know he loved me. I loved him so very much. I still do.  That’s why it hurts so bad. I’ve lost my best friend.
            I don’t know how I’ll make it through today. You have to hold me in the palm of Your hand. I need you like never before. Give me Your Word to cling to. Thank you for 2 Corinthians 1:2-3. I hold these words dear to my heart. Calm my fears and my anxiety. Help me to live in the moment. Don’t let me be overwhelmed.   Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. What a blessing she is! I need her. She is a jewel in the midst of this nightmare.  Deliver me from the depths of woe. Set my feet on Your Rock. Be my salvation from this pain.  God you are a good God and I will praise You!

            Life takes us down paths we never intend to go. Some bring great joy and others great sorrow. My life has been one of many unexpected turns but each one has led me closer to the cross. Losing Michael was in a lot of ways like losing myself. In trying to make sense of it all I penned the following words to Michael.

                                                                                    February 4, 2006
Baby!  I miss you so much.  I try to be strong and make wise choices but inside I’m crumbling. You were a part of me and I’ve lost who I am. Yes, my identity is in Christ but so much of me was in you. I love you so much and that’s why it hurts so very much. I need you and you’re gone. I know you did what you thought best, but I need you.  I LOVE YOU!!!  It’s only been a week but it seems like a lifetime.
            I’m so grateful for the memories. They make me smile. My heart is broken to know we’ll never make any more memories together. I pray Jorjanne will remember you. I can’t imagine her growing up without her daddy. WE NEED YOU and you left us!
Jesus, You must now be my Best Friend. I’ve lost mine and I can never replace him.  Help me to confide in You and trust You. I know you have a plan. Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. Even as I write, she offers me a hug. Thank you for the gift she is. Help me to be a good mommy for her.
The funeral and visitation seem like months ago, yet last week this time I was greeting the 2000+ people who came to the funeral home for visitation. Michael, your funeral was a blessing. You lived a life that glorified God    and pointed others to Christ and I pray that your death will do the same.  More than one thousand people came to the funeral. You touched so many lives in so many ways. I’ll never forget our first lunch together at Mercer, our trip to Texas, our engagement, wedding and all the days in between. Knowing you has brought me the greatest joy I could know apart from my relationship with Christ and losing you I feel the greatest pain I’ve ever known. If I had to do it over, I’d marry you again. I love you Michael Flake and I always will!
God, I know Your grace will sustain me and I praise You in the midst of the storm.  

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Tears to Joy: Lost Chapters Part IV: The Early Days After Michael’s Death

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Lost Chapters Part IV: The Early Days After Michael’s Death


            The past twenty-four hours were all a blur. Not only had I gotten the worst news I could ever receive, but I also had to face the grim reality of life without Michael. In just a few short hours after hearing of Michael’s death, my home became a hub of activity. Friends and family came in droves to offer their condolences and support. I’ll never forget my friends coming as soon as they heard and taking Jorjanne to spend the day with them. My day was filled with making arrangements at the funeral home and if that wasn’t hard enough, I had to meet with an investigator at the Sheriff’s office. It was there that I learned the horrifying details of Michael’s death, and I also learned that Michael had been found with his journal and his Bible. He had spent his last day on earth reading God’s Word and writing to me in his journal. I both longed and dreaded reading that journal. Was I ready to read it now or should I wait? The investigator solved the dilemma for me when she told me that his journal was evidence and that she would have to keep it for a couple of weeks.

            As I sat on the edge of my bed thinking about my hellish day, I leaned over to get my journal to try so that I could put my racing thoughts on paper to see if that would help me sort through the chaos in my mind. I opened to the page where I left off and to my astonishment I found these words penned in Michael’s handwriting from the day before.

                                                                                    January 26, 2006
                                                                                               
Natalie,
            I’m sorry I’ve brought so much grief and heartache into your life. My heart breaks but I know the tears will stop. And you and Jorjanne’s life will go on. You’ll find someone who can take care of you and who is more mentally stable than I am. I’m so confused and so LOST.  May the Lord who brought this disease welcome me into His kingdom where I’ll receive a new body and hopefully, a new mind.
I’m sorry I’m not strong enough but one day you’ll be thankful I freed you from this living nightmare. Tell Jorjanne I love her and I pray that she won’t have this illness. I Love You!
                                                                                                                        Michael

I poured out my anguish to the Lord as I wrote in my journal that night.

                                                                                                January 28, 2006
            O my God!  What do I even say?  My heart is broken. Lord help me!  Be my strength!  Be my comfort. I hurt so bad. I need You in ways I   don’t even know. I’m terrified of what lies ahead.  Lord, thank you for leading me to my journal today. I treasure and yet I am tormented by Michael’s letter. I know he loved me. I loved him so very much. I still do.  That’s why it hurts so bad. I’ve lost my best friend.
            I don’t know how I’ll make it through today. You have to hold me in the palm of Your hand. I need you like never before. Give me Your Word to cling to. Thank you for 2 Corinthians 1:2-3. I hold these words dear to my heart. Calm my fears and my anxiety. Help me to live in the moment. Don’t let me be overwhelmed.   Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. What a blessing she is! I need her. She is a jewel in the midst of this nightmare.  Deliver me from the depths of woe. Set my feet on Your Rock. Be my salvation from this pain.  God you are a good God and I will praise You!

            Life takes us down paths we never intend to go. Some bring great joy and others great sorrow. My life has been one of many unexpected turns but each one has led me closer to the cross. Losing Michael was in a lot of ways like losing myself. In trying to make sense of it all I penned the following words to Michael.

                                                                                    February 4, 2006
Baby!  I miss you so much.  I try to be strong and make wise choices but inside I’m crumbling. You were a part of me and I’ve lost who I am. Yes, my identity is in Christ but so much of me was in you. I love you so much and that’s why it hurts so very much. I need you and you’re gone. I know you did what you thought best, but I need you.  I LOVE YOU!!!  It’s only been a week but it seems like a lifetime.
            I’m so grateful for the memories. They make me smile. My heart is broken to know we’ll never make any more memories together. I pray Jorjanne will remember you. I can’t imagine her growing up without her daddy. WE NEED YOU and you left us!
Jesus, You must now be my Best Friend. I’ve lost mine and I can never replace him.  Help me to confide in You and trust You. I know you have a plan. Thank you for my precious Jorjanne. Even as I write, she offers me a hug. Thank you for the gift she is. Help me to be a good mommy for her.
The funeral and visitation seem like months ago, yet last week this time I was greeting the 2000+ people who came to the funeral home for visitation. Michael, your funeral was a blessing. You lived a life that glorified God    and pointed others to Christ and I pray that your death will do the same.  More than one thousand people came to the funeral. You touched so many lives in so many ways. I’ll never forget our first lunch together at Mercer, our trip to Texas, our engagement, wedding and all the days in between. Knowing you has brought me the greatest joy I could know apart from my relationship with Christ and losing you I feel the greatest pain I’ve ever known. If I had to do it over, I’d marry you again. I love you Michael Flake and I always will!
God, I know Your grace will sustain me and I praise You in the midst of the storm.  

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1 Comments:

At August 20, 2013 at 9:47 PM , Blogger Saving Centsably Workshops said...

Love you, Natalie. Thank you for your honest ministry to others. You are a blessing!

 

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