Photo by Stuart Pilbrow
After a short stay in Kentucky, we
decided to move back to Georgia where Michael would resume his work with
Georgia Mountain Resort Ministries. The summer staff would be arriving soon,
and we needed a place to live until we could make other arrangements. Our best
friends, Jim and Angie, offered for us to live with them in their new home. The
night we moved in was a night to remember! Michael’s depression had subsided as
he was excited about moving back to Georgia. Sadly, his excitement
turned manic. We got off to a late start leaving Kentucky because Michael was restless and
extremely busy, although I could not tell with what. He drove the U-Haul and I
followed him in our car, pulling a trailer with our truck.
It was late as we crossed the
Georgia line, and we stopped to discuss the best route to take. Following the
Richard Russell Highway was the shortest route, but it was also the curviest. I
was leery of driving a U-Haul across the mountain at night, but Michael felt
confident that we could do it. As we were coasting downhill, the brakes on the
U-Haul began slipping. Michael called me as we got closer to Helen asking me to
pray because he was afraid the brakes were going to go out. I prayed and prayed
and never before was I so happy to see our friends’ house. As we turned into
their driveway, the brakes failed and Michael drove up their embankment,
crushing the tomato plants Angie had planted earlier that day. Michael jumped out of the truck and shouted,
“We’re here!” I wanted to crawl under something and hide.
That was
the beginning of our tumultuous stay. It didn’t take long for Jim and Angie to
realize that something was amiss. Michael’s mania was rampant, and he was
getting out of control. Jim tried to talk to Michael, but Michael didn’t think
anything was wrong. I felt trapped in
the middle of my husband who I felt I was losing and my best friends who he was
driving away. I wrote in my journal:
June
1, 2001
Lord,
I am so afraid of losing Michael – not afraid of losing our marriage but afraid
of his becoming someone else like last summer.
I don’t understand why he feels he must become what he is not around
certain people. Lord, make him a godly
leader. Teach him to trust You and to lean on Your strength and not his own. He
is already trying to be superman and it’s only the first week of summer. Lord,
you know I need my husband. Our baby needs a father. If Michael doesn’t learn
to relax and pace himself, I’m afraid I won’t have him around very long. His
blood pressure is already dangerously high. Lord, you know how much I love this
man. Teach me to show him my support but at the same time to help him learn
balance.
I
can’t fix things, nor can I tell Michael how I feel because he becomes so
defensive. Lord, please show him and
teach him. I only have You. I am
trusting our future to You. There are
more unknowns in my life now more than
ever before and it terrifies me. Forgive my lack of faith. Increase my faith
and trust. Help me not to fear the unknown. Help me keep my sanity. Strengthen
our marriage. Lord, I miss the Michael who taught me Your Word and prayed with
me. Teach him to be the spiritual leader You want him to be. Help him to
focus. Stop the colliding thoughts in
his mind. Give him clarity in both thought and speech. My heart aches for
Michael; it’s been such a difficult year and I’m exhausted. I cannot continue
in my own strength. Give me wings like
eagles so that I can soar.
A few weeks later, we moved into
the house with the summer missionaries. I wish I could say that this was a
turning point and that it was a great summer, but it wasn’t. I was very
pregnant and moody; Michael was very manic and controlling. Not only were we
bickering at each other, but it carried over into our relationships with the
staff. It was the hardest summer of our
lives.
We decided to take
a much needed vacation with Jim and Angie. The four of us went to Gulf Shores, Alabama
for some R & R. On the drive down, Michael talked non-stop. He was very
opinionated and argumentative. By the time we got to the place where we were
staying, we were all irritable. The next morning we went shopping and I was
thrilled to find a pair of Tommy Hilfiger tennis shoes on sale for $10. I was
so excited. When we got back to the house, Michael told me that I needed to
spray them so that they would be water resistant. I told him that because they
were white, I didn’t want to spray them.
Michael
snatched my shoes away from me and began spraying them with Scotch Guard inside
the house. Angie came into the room and asked, “What is that horrible smell?”
We tried to persuade Michael to take the shoes outside but he refused. He
continued until he had sprayed half a can of the Scotch Guard on the shoes. I
picked them up off the floor and my new white shoes had turned yellow. By now,
both Angie and I were gagging from the fumes, and we went outside to get away
from the horrid smell.
I couldn’t stand
it any longer; I started to vent. I was so frustrated with Michael! He wouldn’t listen to anyone; he talked all
the time and never listened. He was spending all of our money on junk (just
that morning he had gone to Wal-mart and spent $200 on stuff we didn’t need). I
was so tired of my life and I was at my wits end! I didn’t know what to do!
Apparently
my outburst, wrong as it was, got to Michael. That night, Michael journaled:
April 8, 2004
I’ve thought for a
long time that I was doing really well emotionally and mentally, only to be
confronted with my wife’s tears again…My heart was breaking. I thought all was
good but it was really, really bad.Oh
God, what a crazy roller coaster ride we’ve been on, not just me but Natalie,
Jorjanne and well, everyone else who is close to my heart. I’m so sorry that my
emotions are a basket case. Oh well, this must be the thorn in my flesh.
I now have a new song, “Here is Love, Vast
as the Ocean” by Matt Redman. I wonder if Natalie would listen to this song
with me? Of course, I would like to hope that if we saw a lifeguard chair that
she would climb back up into
the chair with me but now I think I’ve hurt her so deeply through all of my inconsistencies
that her heart walls are so thick that she would never dream deep thoughts with
me again. I think most recently she is
just trying to survive in our marriage. I want her to thrive in our marriage. Please Lord teach me to walk at a
pace that she can follow but not so slowly that she has to pull me up every
time I get depressed and anxious.
Lord, help me to be consistent. I want to be the husband you want me to be and
the father that I need to be and the son that I long to be.
That night, Michael played the
song, “Here is Love” for me and we both cried.
“Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the
flood
When the Prince of
Life, our Ransom
Shed for us, His
precious blood
Who His love will not
remember?
Who can cease to sing
His praise?
He can never be
forgotten
Throughout Heav’n’s
eternal days
On the mount of
crucifixion
Fountains opened deep
and wide
Through the floodgates
of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast, a
gracious tide
Grace and love, like
mighty rivers
Poured incessant from
above
And Heav’n’s peace and
perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world
in love
Chorus:
No love is higher, no
love is wider
No love is deeper, no
love is truer
No love is higher, no
love is wider
No love is like Your
love, O Lord”
(“Here is Love,” by Matt Redman).
I
wish I could say that this was a turning point and that the vacation was great
from this point on, but the mania remained. Jim and Angie looked for
opportunities to run to the store just to get away from it all. I felt trapped
and alone. I knew that never again would we go on vacation with our best
friends. I only hoped they would continue to be our friends after this dreadful
trip.
Labels: Inspirational
