Will the Pain Ever Go Away?

Grief is a strange thing. It’s crazy how a song or a memory can toss you back into the throws of heartache and pain. Many teach Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) to people who have recently experienced the death of a loved one. Unfortunately, few people move through these stages in the way you climb a ladder, moving from one rung up to the next. For most of us, it’s more like we are moving up and down a slinky. We make progress and something happens to throw us back into a previous stage.

Last Sunday was that kind of day for me. God has brought tremendous healing into my heart since Michael’s death seven years ago. He has not only brought me to a point of acceptance, but to a place of transformation. I was sitting in church last Sunday when our choir began to sing Laura Story’s song, Blessings. As I heard them sing, the tears began to fall.

“Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

These words reminded me of the tremendous grace and mercy God has given me in the wake of my grief. I was doing ok until the congregation was asked to sing “It is Well.”

You see, we sang this at Michael’s funeral. A few days earlier, a dear friend lost a family member to suicide and walking through the pain and hurt with her family and hearing this song seemed to drag me back to the horrendous day of Michael’s death.

Even though I have come a long way, in that moment, the pain was very raw.

People ask me, when do you stop hurting? When does the pain go away? The truth is, you never stop grieving. In time, the pain becomes less intense and appears less often, but it never goes completely away.

Another misnomer is that grief only affects those who have lost someone to death. Loss is loss. It doesn’t matter if the loss is due to divorce, loss of dreams, loss of hopes, or loss of job. Grief happens when we experience loss that causes suffering or distress.

If you are hurting from a loss, take heart. The only way to find healing is to walk through the pain. It takes courage and stamina, but you will survive. For me, the joy came when I moved from surviving to thriving. Hang in there!